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Voyage: A Literary Journal
Issue 02

natalie foo - medium - voyage issue 02.jpg

Medium by Natalie Foo

Acrylic paint, butterfly pea paint, crayon

Content Page

Poetry 

​the ballad of Moon Sun-deuk by Jonathan Chan

Winds, Gathering by Kimberle Shen

Medium by Natalie Foo

waking up to blood on frost and two urgent emails by Tan Jing Min

They're Tumbling! by Hu Tian Ao

Midnight texts from your bestie by Brandon Servos 

Flock by Karuna Kwok 

Weathervane Blues by J. L.

Breakfast at Daqiaoxia, at the intersection of Zhongxiao and Zhongshan road by Cheri Hu

Fiction 

The Wind Remembered by Zhuang Xinyu  

Kada by Purinita Kaur  

Explorations of a Flood by Danny Jalil

Old Brick Hospital Kiss by Rosie Shute

Kites and Towers by Maxim Loy 

Hard Truths by Florence Loh

Fighting the Plague by Moira Hong-Chen 

Visual Art

Medium by Natalie Foo


Bios 

About the Authors

About the Editors

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The issue is best viewed on desktop rather than on your phone.

Editor's Note

Dear reader, 

The theme of this issue is “Winds, Gathering”. As the logo of our journal features an old-fashioned sailing ship, “wind” is symbolic in that it represents a ship gathering speed and momentum on its journey. 

The pieces in this issue bring to life themes of wind, movement and change. Many of them contain a sense of hope for a better world. 

I am thankful to the volunteer editors—Ash, Victoria and Nicole—whose insights contributed greatly to the selection of pieces. 

I am thankful to the authors for choosing our journal as a home for their work. 

Finally, reader, I hope the pieces move you, and that they stir up whirlwinds—little and large—in your soul. 

— Stacy

The Wind Remembered by Zhuang Xinyu

The wind remembered where it blew. Memory seemed too constant, too solid for something as fickle as the wind; yet it did remember, somewhere within its swirling, whirling gusts of moving air. That mountain – yes, it had been here before, a warm current careening above the rainforest canopy till it reached the peaks, naked in their severity, where ice would form on the coldest of nights. And today the wind was a cold wind, carrying crystals of water glistening under moonlight, flowing down from dark sky and surging down from grey stone, till the crystals softened and sighed and above the black of the rainforest fell, as tears did. Not tears of sadness, mind you. The wind might remember, but it could not be sad. To be sad, one must want for something one could not have – but the wind had no wants, no longings. It was just the wind, only the wind. An angsana tree raised its crown above the rainforest. The wind had blown past this tree many times – from the days it had been a sapling and the wind had meandered through the forest as a whistling breeze, and more recently when the wind had soared up its trunk carrying water to return to the clouds. Today the wind swirled around the angsana, listening as the leaves whispered and the seed pods rattled amidst the pattering rain. To the wind, that whispering carried a melancholy it had never heard before. “You are sad,” sang the wind. “I do not remember you being sad.” “I am,” rustled the tree. “Do you not see the mark on my back? I will be cut down when the sun rises.” Indeed, on its trunk were two crossed lines of red, still fuming with halocarbons that burned hot as the wind brushed past. The wind flew up to wash itself within its own rain. Then it tore through the air quick and bold, pushing storm clouds down the mountain and into the fields of grass, rice and men, across courtyards, above townhouses, smiling as it scattered empty cans through the streets, laughing as it stole an umbrella from a scurrying passerby, and howling as it burst out beyond the shore and into the waters of darkest night. Then the wind remembered, and turned back. It climbed up, up, up till it found the rainforest again, and caressed the angsana tree with the scent of salt and sea. “Do you wish for anything, tree?” asked the wind. “Carry my seed to a place far away,” the tree replied. The wind assented and gusted through the boughs, freeing a seed pod that danced and twirled as the wind brought it away from the forest and mountain and over the sea, till it settled on a desolate island where men had never set foot. There, slackening and serene, the wind gently laid the seed pod onto the dirt. The tides marched on, and the seed grew into a sapling and then a tree, bright and youthful beside the lonely shore. The wind visited, as it often did, brushing past the tree as it swayed. The tree listened as the wind told tales of places from long ago and far away. And within the whispers and sighs of the wind, the tree could hear something it had not before. “You are sad,” murmured the tree. “I do not remember you being sad.” “I am”, said the wind. ““I am sad, because I remember, and to remember, is to know loss. To know loss is to know sadness, I think.” The tree did not understand, as it was just a tree. The wind did not mind, as it was only the wind.

Kada by Purinita Kaur

Kulwant’s eyes rested upon children playing in front of the gurudwara [1]. A nursery rhyme vibrated on her lips while the children laughed and squealed. She sighed, watching her breath condense in the frigid air. An emerald green dupatta danced in the wind, landing gently on the slippery ground near Kulwant’s feet [2]. A girl from the group of children started skipping towards it. “You’ll slip and fall,” Kulwant warned her. She bent to retrieve the item. The crunching of snow grew louder. As Kulwant grasped the dupatta, she looked up. Two black leather boots were staring back at her; she knew to kneel. Her eyes trailed down their laces and settled on the white snow. The wind caressed her scalp. “Why’s your head not covered?” the soldier tapped her head with the butt of his rifle. The soldier turned to look at the children. The girl stood there watching him, her hair conspicuously dishevelled. Kulwant grabbed the soldier’s leg before he could take a step towards the child. Red splattered against the snow. “You would do well to listen to the Guru’s command,” the soldier uttered before leaving the premises. The congregation watched from the entrance of the gurudwara. There was silence. The girl stood still, staring at Kulwant lying motionless on the snow-covered ground. All around them, the wind howled. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀— “Don’t be ridiculous! You haven’t fully recovered yet. You don’t know what’s out there,” Mimi tried to reason with her. Kulwant continued to pack her clothes into the duffel bag. A red dupatta covered her head which bulged with bandages. Her partner scrambled into their room, emerging with a thick brown envelope. She waved it in front of Kulwant’s face, “Is this what’s making you leave? Who’s Husna? I should have known there was another woman!” Kulwant’s blood ran cold. She paused for a moment, a deer in headlights, struggling to come up with a response. Women were banned from schools. Not even the men learnt English beyond third grade, how much more these foreign words. These words that Kulwant could not read, Mimi could. 𝘔𝘪𝘮𝘪 𝘪𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘴𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘴𝘩𝘦 𝘪𝘴, she realised. Kulwant turned her back on the newfound stranger in her house and gulped. Despite all those years together, she had never seen any signs that Mimi might have been Guru’s agent. There were no books to read at home, but they had been to the bustling market multiple times together as “roommates”. Each time, Mimi had feigned illiteracy, squinting at the signs, cocking her head to the right like she always did. To the rest of the world, they were just two illiterate spinsters who had to split rent to survive. That was an illusion — for both the world and Kulwant. Kulwant managed to reply despite the hair on her arms standing on end. “I don’t know.” She resumed packing. Her hands were shaking. As she zipped her bag shut, she made a split-second decision. She snatched the envelope out of Mimi’s hand. Sprinting out of the house with her duffel bag and the envelope her late mother had left her, Kulwant did not spare a glance towards Mimi, who screamed and threatened. Maybe she called the Guru’s minions afterwards. Kulwant didn’t know. She just kept on running. She could not remember having met a “Husna”. It was her first time hearing that name. As an Arabic name, it must be from outside the walls. A tinge of regret settled in as she realised she had given up the possibility of Mimi translating the envelope for her, only to remember that Mimi would most likely have refused to do so, anyway. Husna was a gust of pre-war wind — her family’s past scrubbed clean by the Guru and His insurgents. Kulwant could not understand what was written in the letter, but she was determined to find the sender. She had always wanted to leave, her sighs having condensed in the air for three decades now, and she finally knew of someone outside the walls. 𝘏𝘶𝘴𝘯𝘢 𝘪𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘬𝘦𝘺, Kulwant chanted in her head as she trudged through the raging snow. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀— The grey walls grew taller as Kulwant strode forward. The envelope felt heavier than before as she continued scrutinising the strange signs written on it. She looked up at the crescent moon, unable to remember the last time she had bathed in the moon’s light. All of the houses and shops were dark; curfew began once the sun set. The closer she got to the gates, the clearer a silhouette became. Kulwant took slower steps. She quietly cursed and swore at herself, understanding what she had to do. She removed all of her jewellery — her nathni, jhumkas, mangalsutra and payal [3]. Her kada remained [4]. She wrapped her red dupatta over her head and around her face until only her eyes were visible. As she reached the gates, she came face to face with a guard. No one could leave this place, only the Guru and his minions. Occasional deserters would be shot on the spot. Kulwant extended her hand full of jewellery, her kada glinting in the pale moonlight. She shared a look with the guard. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀— By the time she emerged from the guardroom, it was daylight. Kulwant picked up her clothes and grabbed her duffel bag as she shivered from the cold. She looked at the scenery before her once again. Luscious green mountains stretched for miles beyond what she could fathom. Thirty-two years within the walls seemed insignificant compared to this. She looked at the letter Mimi had found from ransacking her room. She wondered if her mother had been trying, through Husna’s writings, to tell her about the freedom that lay on the other side of these walls. Heaving out a long sigh, Kulwant watched her breath condense in the air. Before she could take a step forward, the cocking of a gun resonated behind her. She pursed her lips, tightening her grip on her duffel bag and clothes. She did not turn around. Instead, she closed her eyes as tightly as possible. In the distance, she heard the screaming of multiple guards and the crunching of snow getting louder by the moment. 𝘐𝘵’𝘴 𝘢𝘭𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵. 𝘐𝘵’𝘴 𝘢𝘭𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵. 𝘈𝘵 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘵 𝘐 𝘥𝘪𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘺𝘰𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘴𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘴, she thought to herself as she sang an old nursery song in her head, one she remembered from a long time ago. She tried to imagine what her biological mother would have looked like. A woman with long, flowing raven hair. It would blow freely in the wind and she would spare a sweet smile for Kulwant. Her arms would reach out for a warm embrace. Kulwant tried to smile to herself as she trembled, tears falling softly on the snow. She could hear the children laughing from the gurudwara. A gunshot reverberated throughout the mountains. Kulwant dropped to her knees. Her knees slipped on the snow and she fell on her side. There was silence. Her steel kada, glinting in the daylight, caught her attention. As her vision became blurry and she lost focus of her arm, she saw her red dupatta soar across the sky, further in the distance towards the mountains. Her world grew dark. The wind howled. [1] 𝘎𝘶𝘳𝘶𝘥𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘢 - 𝘢 𝘚𝘪𝘬𝘩 𝘵𝘦𝘮𝘱𝘭𝘦. [2] 𝘋𝘶𝘱𝘢𝘵𝘵𝘢 - 𝘢 𝘴𝘩𝘢𝘸𝘭. [3] 𝘕𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘯𝘪 (𝘯𝘰𝘴𝘦 𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨), 𝘫𝘩𝘶𝘮𝘬𝘢𝘴 (𝘣𝘦𝘭𝘭-𝘴𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘦𝘥 𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴), 𝘮𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘢𝘭𝘴𝘶𝘵𝘳𝘢 (𝘯𝘦𝘤𝘬𝘭𝘢𝘤𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘯 𝘣𝘺 𝘮𝘢𝘳𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘥 𝘸𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘯 𝘪𝘯 𝘏𝘪𝘯𝘥𝘶𝘪𝘴𝘮), 𝘱𝘢𝘺𝘢𝘭 (𝘢𝘯𝘬𝘭𝘦𝘵𝘴). [4] 𝘒𝘢𝘥𝘢 - 𝘢 𝘳𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘨𝘪𝘰𝘶𝘴 𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘪𝘤𝘭𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘯 𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘣𝘺 𝘚𝘪𝘬𝘩𝘴.

the ballad of Moon Sun-deuk by Jonathan Chan

“After their boat was struck by a typhoon in 1801, Moon, a ray merchant who lived on the island, drifted to Japan's southern island of Okinawa with his uncle and four other colleagues, and then ended up seeing the Philippines, Macao and China. They were hit by the typhoon while on their way home from another island nearby after purchasing some fish known as ‘hongeo’, a delicacy in the region.” – Yonhap News Agency, December 2016 three long years i have spent succoured on the taste of spray, the confusion of clouds meeting the waves’ edges, the beating blare from daybreak to evening, voice parched as i prayed to every divinity i knew. the winds have believed they are their own form of mercy, boat blown southward to islands beyond the bounds of any world any of us had known. what tongues, tastes had emerged between the gales and currents, vowels and palates from noise, blur transformed into clarity, my insistent ask for home, home, home. i knew no letters, language left only on the lips. i sought the taste of hongeo, swallowed in the mouth of the storm, flash of lightning, rumble of thunder. in the eye of the sun in the plains of Okinawa, i saw the rolling hills. volcanic, they would call it, coralline. Joseon was tied to Ryukyu. the five of us guests, sustained on rice, vegetables, pork. we left, minds set on the Qing. again came the assail of the rains, the whipping of the wind. the hull turned. we docked at a province of Spain. in Luzon, parched mouths folded around thin cigarettes and acrid rum. at the centre of the village was a shrine: how long the house, thirty, forty rooms, homage to an alien accession. the god enshrined, one pagoda in front, another at the side, a golden gyre turning in the direction of the wind. see how the village awakens to the bell, hours dictated by priests and their gods, the shuddering cathedrals. Ilocano praise rises over pews and cockfights. i twisted strings and traded sacks of rice. in Macau, an Iberian shade across the city. waiting three months for the wind, officials shunted us to the merchants. crossing Portugal to Qing, in Guangzhou, the roofs and the roads felt familiar in their provenance, the arch and shade in the passage through Nanjing, Beijing, the waters winding, the willows bending, bracing for human cargo. the last passage was to Hanyang before i returned, feeling the soil of Uido. how does fate conspire to make an interpreter of a fisherman? an interlocutor of islands and the seas?

Explorations of a Flood by Danny Jalil

⠀⠀⠀⠀𝘛𝘳𝘢𝘯𝘴𝘭𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘫𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘯𝘢𝘭𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘏𝘰’𝘢𝘯 𝘒’𝘳𝘢: ⠀⠀⠀⠀𝘗𝘌𝘙𝘚𝘖𝘕𝘈𝘓 𝘓𝘖𝘎, 𝘚𝘛𝘈𝘙-𝘋𝘈𝘛𝘌: 71.28.6.14.16 ⠀⠀⠀⠀𝘖𝘶𝘳 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘭𝘭𝘢𝘳 𝘴𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘦𝘴 𝘧𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥 𝘢 𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘰𝘮𝘢𝘭𝘺 𝘰𝘯 𝘢 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘳𝘥 𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘯𝘦𝘵 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘢 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘳 𝘪𝘯 𝘢 𝘴𝘰𝘭𝘢𝘳 𝘴𝘺𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘮 𝘰𝘧 𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘦 𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘯𝘦𝘵𝘴, 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘢 𝘴𝘶𝘥𝘥𝘦𝘯 𝘧𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘥 𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘱𝘢𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘯𝘦𝘵. 𝘛𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘯𝘰 𝘱𝘳𝘦𝘤𝘶𝘳𝘴𝘰𝘳𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯𝘵, 𝘨𝘦𝘰𝘨𝘳𝘢𝘱𝘩𝘪𝘤𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘦𝘰𝘳𝘰𝘭𝘰𝘨𝘪𝘤𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘢𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘮𝘺 𝘴𝘶𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘰𝘳𝘴 𝘴𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘪𝘯𝘷𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘨𝘢𝘵𝘦. ⠀⠀⠀⠀By the time Ho'an arrived on the planet, it had already been flooding for a long while, and his instruments were unable to ascertain exactly when the flood had begun. Even landing on the planet's watery surface was going to be a problem. It was raining everywhere on the planet, and so he resorted to a gamble, one that risked his life along with the equipment of his shuttle. ⠀⠀⠀⠀Though he was experienced enough to operate the shuttle in any kind of turbulent condition, he hoped the flood could have somehow been borne from within the planet's core. Though logic would prove this to be nearly impossible, he had to at least eliminate this hypothesis before he could move on and explore other possible reasons behind this planet-wide flood. ⠀⠀⠀⠀His species knew of the moons of Jupiter, of its oceanic moons and glaciers and of the gaseous planet's perpetual storms, but this anomaly was sudden, and he hated to use this word— 𝘶𝘯𝘯𝘢𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘢𝘭. ⠀⠀⠀⠀There was no other celestial equipment around this blue planet for millions of miles in all directions capable of creating a weather anomaly on this scale. ⠀⠀⠀⠀Ho' an's shuttle shot through the water. Shaking from impact, he stabilised the shuttle and noticed there was no aquatic life in this vast ocean. In fact, there was no life on the planet, as though it had been cleansed entirely. The tides were erratic and did not flow with the rotation of the planet’s axis. ⠀⠀⠀⠀There had been no available records on the system of this primitive planet. It was pre-atomic, pre-quantum, and even pre-digital, and advanced inventions such as the printing press and gunpowder were at least centuries away. ⠀⠀⠀⠀This mission was a matter of guesswork, and for Ho'an and his kind, guessing was the closest thing to sin. The thrusters and stabilisers had done their job, but time was running out. Ho’an would need to be quick about it. ⠀⠀⠀⠀He was wrong about the lack of sea and aquatic creatures, because suddenly a burst of fish of various sizes emerged into his line of sight, all determined to fight the erratic tide. Seconds later a whale was pulled into the turbulence, and this was a gentle reminder for Ho’an that all creatures, no matter how large, were insignificant against the full force of nature. ⠀⠀⠀⠀The shuttle’s alarms went off again. Trying to anchor it against an erratic tide was futile, and though he suspected the risks, he hoped the reward would be a thousand-fold. ⠀⠀⠀⠀He took a deep breath through the two dots above his lips, and exhaled through his lower teeth. Then he turned off the shuttle’s thrusters to allow the tide to take him into its swirl. Instead of fighting the flow, he joined it – when one let himself be engulfed in a storm, one could behold wonders. ⠀⠀⠀⠀Turbulent as the waters were, there was a rhythm to the waves, and soon the strongest of the sea creatures emerged, some of them large, some small. Some were very, very ancient. His natural curiosity piqued, Ho’an made a scan of these creatures so that he could make a paleontological measurement; these creatures must be descendants of the beings that roamed prehistoric planets millions of years prior. He had seen such types on other planets. The ancient leviathans paid Ho’an’s shuttle no mind. ⠀⠀⠀⠀Ho’an activated his shuttle’s stealth mode, and he traversed the seas as an underwater ghost through the turbulent currents, recording the surviving undersea creatures until the day turned dark. He saw the dead and bloated bodies of men and women in the water, those who did not survive the flood, and the sight made him shut his eyes and turn away. He busied himself with more research as the night wore on, and when he was satisfied with his findings he went skyward to observe the clouds in their infinite, inexplicable collision of thunder and endless lightning. ⠀⠀⠀⠀Data from his shuttle confirmed his theory about waters rising from the depths of the planet, and of clouds forming from sudden flashes of heat and rapid condensation, causing violent precipitation. ⠀⠀⠀⠀Motions and patterns of weather such as these took months and years, not days, to form. In spite of all evidence, the most illogical answer seemed to make the most logical sense. Yet ideas of divinity were frowned upon by Ho’an’s community of intergalactic scientists and explorers. ⠀⠀⠀⠀This was a supernatural occurrence. His shuttle, though large and well-equipped, was but a speck of dust in the vastness of sky and cloud and blue fire, and he manoeuvred and found a good altitude, away from the constant lightning and the rising tsunami waves below. ⠀⠀⠀⠀He saw birds fighting against the rain, their flapping futile in the storm. Yet they kept themselves airborne by sheer will. He even saw ancient birds without feathers; had the storms forced these ancient avians out of their hiding places? ⠀⠀⠀⠀An ancient leviathan leapt out of the water and though his shuttle was soundproof he could still feel the rumble of its roar as it broke the water’s surface, landed with a splash, and submerged and hid itself. ⠀⠀⠀⠀Ho’an had seen enough of avian and aquatic life and was searching for bipedal mammals – particularly those of the same species as the corpses he had seen. Surely there must be others who had survived the flood. He was about to drift off into sleep when he saw, floating and cutting through the waves below, a large ark, rectangular in shape. ⠀⠀⠀⠀Ho’an reckoned that for a primitive pre-quantum society, constructing an ark of this size and depth using only the tools available to them would have taken years, decades, a full century perhaps. Impossible, Ho’an scoffed to himself. Yet the ark existed, and it moved. ⠀⠀⠀⠀He ran an X-Ray scan and discovered this ark to be many stories deep, a menagerie of wood and nail, filled with pairings of a huge assortment of animals, a male and female of each species. The animals were tended to by these bipedal mammals, but there were so few of them taking care of so many animals. ⠀⠀⠀⠀What was meant to be a short observation turned to forty days and nights of study, and Ho’an felt himself to be a spectre hovering above the ark. Using his scanners, he observed the daily goings-on and movements of the people in the ark. He recorded and made studies of their language, observing how they spoke, how they tended the animals, how they fed them, how they shoved their excrement, and how they prayed. Ho’an saw their leader, a youthful man whose manner suggested that he was older than he looked. ⠀⠀⠀⠀Observing them like this over time made him understand, at the very least, that this humble man was called N’uh. N’uh did the strangest thing each and every day; he sat on his knees, prostrated, raised his hands and whispered words, and sometimes would stare upwards and seem to have a conversation with an unseen entity. From the point of view of an objective observer, his sanity might have been questioned, but Ho’an increased the sensitivity of his spectroscopes and found a large, invisible energy field emanating around N’uh. The energy signatures of the field he was communicating with were, according to the scanners, displacing atoms and disrupting Ho’an’s quantum readings. No technology in any universe he knew was able to displace atoms, then put them back in order. Such feats would disrupt the fabric of space-time itself, yet N’uh stayed, unaffected. ⠀⠀⠀⠀Ho’an chewed on a bar of bland muesli. His shuttle was equipped with food replicators that printed edible food bars; they contained necessary vitamins and minerals, but lacked any taste. At the last chew, Ho’an came to an idea so obvious he cursed himself for not thinking of it sooner. ⠀⠀⠀⠀He sat back down in his chair, swiping his fingers in all directions, letting the holograms flow and float around him as he changed the settings on his scanners. He sent these same settings to the celestial scanners at the planets nearby, and began searching for the signal that N’uh was speaking to. ⠀⠀⠀⠀It took days, but once he completed the planetary scans he found energy signatures deep within the planet where the flood waters had first emanated, and high in the clouds as well. He found this energy to be constant, although what baffled him was that he could not determine where it was coming from. It was certainly not coming from a machine. He suspected these powerful emanations of invisible energy to have come from a separate dimension, but his scanners detected no dimensional breaches. It was as though this energy came from within, manifested from without, and was everywhere, all at once. ⠀⠀⠀⠀Ho’an continued to listen in on the conversations of the others in the ark. They spoke of their belief in their supreme divine being with unwavering faith. Through them, Ho’an learned that N’uh had received a message from his supreme being who had lamented his people’s sinful ways and lack of faith. N’uh had been instructed by the supreme power to construct an ark, and was given the knowledge and means and measurements to do so. The ark had taken a century to complete by their planet’s reckoning of time. Disbelievers mocked N’uh for building a large ship on dry land, but N’uh and his children and believers took a male and female of each species and escaped in time before the world was flooded. The disbelievers screamed and asked for forgiveness as they were swept away in the deluge. ⠀⠀⠀⠀Ho’an spent weeks searching for more signs of this powerful energy, their supreme being, and found through his scanners signs of him everywhere, depending on how hard he looked, and depending on how sensitively he calibrated his scanners. ⠀⠀⠀⠀He observed N’uh’s people recite the words 𝘎𝘰𝘥 𝘪𝘴 𝘨𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵, and 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘰𝘯𝘭𝘺 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘵𝘳𝘶𝘦 𝘎𝘰𝘥, and by what he reckoned was the thirty-ninth day he noticed the waters of the entire planet receding, saw the lightning fade, saw the clouds parting to let the sunlight through. ⠀⠀⠀⠀On this day he set up the scanners of the shuttle to look inward, as he recited those same words to himself in both their language and in his own; 𝘎𝘰𝘥 𝘪𝘴 𝘨𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵, and when he read the results afterwards he noticed both languages still elicited the same effects, and that the energy signatures were exact, regardless of what language he spoke. Should he show his findings to his superiors, or keep this to himself? Were his scanners measuring a powerful force heretofore unknown to his race of cosmic explorers? And did this all-powerful force have a name? ⠀⠀⠀⠀The day after, the flood subsided, and he saw the Ark (as he now gave it capital importance) languidly lodge itself at the side of a mountain. N’uh first released a dove into the sky to show everyone that the skies were clear, and then his people released the animals within the Ark and let them roam free. Birds filled the skies. The signal, that all-powerful energy, was not concentrated in specific places anymore, but was now everywhere in various measures. ⠀⠀⠀⠀Ho’an would visit the blue planet, third from the sun, again and again over the centuries; he saw a man die on a cross in Jerusalem, and found this same all-powerful signature of energy, and he observed a similar energy appear to a man in a cave six centuries later. This man lamented the wrongdoings of his people and was given divine revelation; he spent the rest of his days spreading word of his monotheistic religion, one that would last for centuries hence. ⠀⠀⠀⠀𝘗𝘌𝘙𝘚𝘖𝘕𝘈𝘓 𝘓𝘖𝘎, 𝘚𝘛𝘈𝘙-𝘋𝘈𝘛𝘌: 7.59.64.26.105 ⠀⠀⠀⠀𝘔𝘺 𝘴𝘶𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘷𝘪𝘴𝘰𝘳𝘴 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘥𝘦𝘯𝘪𝘦𝘥 𝘮𝘺 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯 𝘤𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘴 𝘭𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘳, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘴𝘵 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦 𝘐 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘥 𝘢 𝘯𝘢𝘮𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘳𝘨𝘺 𝘐 𝘧𝘪𝘳𝘴𝘵 𝘥𝘪𝘴𝘤𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘕’𝘶𝘩, 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯 𝘢𝘧𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘴𝘦 𝘮𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘦𝘯𝘯𝘪𝘢. 𝘌𝘷𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘶𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺, 𝘐 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘴𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘐 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥𝘦𝘥 𝘢 𝘴𝘪𝘮𝘱𝘭𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘱𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘥𝘦𝘴𝘤𝘳𝘪𝘣𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘢𝘭𝘭-𝘱𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘧𝘶𝘭 𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘳𝘨𝘺 𝘐 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘧𝘰𝘭𝘭𝘰𝘸𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘤𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘴. ⠀⠀⠀⠀𝘐𝘵 𝘪𝘴 𝘎𝘰𝘥.

Winds, Gathering by Kimberle Shen

Summer builds kingdoms out of sand and carries laughter on its salt winds. Warm afternoons are given as a promise of forever but the winds gather in secret and the tide waits just beyond the castle walls. Autumn is proud because it is beautiful; its image lingers on the surface of a lake. November comes and goes without roots, and nobody mourns what the winds scatter. All that gold is nothing but an ending. Winter is an indifferent soldier. It watches the trees lose their colours, marching on without pause or apology. Its winds do not understand what it is to be still – to want stillness and to beg for it. Spring is a kind of violence, an uncontrolled explosion of new leaves and buds, a green insistence that the world has moved on, unscarred by the tender loss of last season. Grief runs through the passing of time.

Medium by Natalie Foo

Our daughter stands at the breakwater throwing songs to the rush of air. We picture them riding in the slipstream at 20 knots. Little winged notes swoop and fall in shivers. Holstering panic, I reach out my hand but do not catch bits of song. These flecks in my palm are pure matter. Imagine this relationship: Matter does not need sound to exist yet sound needs its medium. Like love needs a body. Flesh. Warmth. Scent of a baby’s head. It was then as it is now. Songs don’t land where wind stops. Though you might hear them, hours or years later, spectral as a faraway touch. So one night when it is late and we are listening to the wind shuffle leaves outside our front porch, let’s hang metaphors on the updraft. Come alive. And forgive me when I ask: What else are songs made of? What little ghosts?

waking up to blood on frost and two urgent emails by Tan Jing Min

coffee I make with nuclear fallout, stir in the smoke of air strikes marring pre-dawn air. violence is a language we can all understand. so is fear and rage. our waking hours an empire of grief. the earth’s canvas is stained by a hundred different obfuscations: terror, security, freedom, dignity, bleeding onto disparate land like stray gunshots on an innocent casualty’s body. 𝘧𝘢𝘵𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘺 - another word that cloaks our eyes in comfort. still, my weekly appointments won’t keep themselves. the road is damp with rain and freshly fallen frangipanis, young and pink-lipped. I push my nose into its secret place, drink honey origin, hold the stem between my fingers all the way to work so I don’t crush it. between tasks the air-con ushers its sweet scent into my muted senses. it curls into softness before I can return home. sometimes it’s hard to live knowing our cosmic insignificance. our drunk rage wilts, ferments with the darkening sky. I walk home on dry ground. tomorrow there will be more rainfall and reasons to mourn. at night I cut the world open and find it has rotted outside in.

Old Brick Hospital Kiss by Rosie Shute

Wind’s parents said they named her that because the day her mum was hobbled over water leaking on the footpath outside the old-bricked Melbourne hospital as the nurses scrambled in with a wheelchair to rush her to the birthing room the wind was so warm her mum reckoned it literally bent down and kissed her about-to-be-born baby’s forehead. “It was like the wind was saying, ‘The world is ready for you now,’” her parents always said. But Wind never truly managed to believe even a single word of it. Her dad always said, “The moment we felt that wind on our skin we knew, you would be a calm and tender little girl. And look how sweet you’ve always been!” 𝘠𝘦𝘢𝘩 𝘧𝘶𝘤𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵, Wind had felt for years. Her mum even went as far as to say that the reason Wind’s paintings were so powerfully delicate was because the wind that kissed her on the forehead was contained in every brushstroke. Yet, growing up, Wind always felt explosions tick-tick-ticking in her skull. It was as if some wild sets of wind had sat undetected, building up within the slow-moving warm breeze her parents felt the day she was born. Like a mouse following a herd of heavy animals onto a tipping boat in that picture-story book from her childhood, even gentle winds could sometimes knock things down. And even calm breezes moved. So, she moved too. Moved to Europe, America, the UK, back to Europe, Canada, China, South Korea and then back to the UK once more. And her paintings, they deepened and grew more torrential. Like a cyclone of darker colours and bold bright screaming colours, rougher fabrics stitched messily like big open wounds inside the ever-largening misshapen canvases and that ever-aching something exploding out of paint like a wind that wouldn’t ever stop. Her parents didn’t understand any of it. Wind didn’t either. She just knew she always felt so torn wide open, like a front door off its hinges. And the wind was always telling her: see everything, go everywhere, feel, touch, hold the world the way ferocious gusts do. So, she changed her name to Storm the moment she left home. She was never going to change it back and she was never going to move back home, she swore it. Wind truly believed she would always keep following these strong gusts of wind wherever they took her. Until last night. She had been walking home with windswept hair from an art opening with a man whose sizzling laughter and deep-set green eyes she’d known for less than two and a half hours, a quarter of which had just unfolded in the disabled toilet of the public gallery. Her thick winged eyeliner had been smudged like a bird eternally caught in flight. But, then, they came across an old brick hospital ward that made Wind shiver. It made no sense, but somehow it reminded her of being born. Quickly, she made up a story to the guy whose strong rough fingers were already swaying seductively in her jean pockets about how she actually had a boyfriend and how she found him too simple and puppy-like anyway. When he cocked his head in disbelief, or like he didn’t care, she said maybe she actually preferred women. “𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘤𝘬 𝘤𝘰𝘤𝘬. 𝘐𝘵’𝘴 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘲𝘶𝘪𝘵𝘦 𝘰𝘯𝘦-𝘥𝘪𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘢𝘭,” she added. 𝘈𝘯𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 so that he would leave. Eventually, he did. The wind had been cutting through her hair with such terrific force all that day and night, as it often did around her. Yet somehow, at this red-bricked hospital front entrance, it all just quietened into whispers. She held her breath, walked right up to the doors and tried to imagine exactly how her mum must’ve been bent over hobbling when her waters broke. She found a tiny sliver of what felt like sunlight from an obscured grey streetlight just to the right of the big sliding doors, stood under it, and without warning, suddenly and tenderly, the wind bent down and kissed her on the forehead. She gasped. Right then and there she logged into all her socials, changed her name back to Wind for the first time in almost 20 years and booked a flight back to Melbourne. Somehow, something deep inside her knew there was a park by the back of the hospital wing. Wind weaved around the little wobbling side road, found the park and laid down in the centre of the overgrown, abandoned football oval. There, the wind circled her feet, touched her knees, hips and armpits, gathered around her shoulder blades and the tip of her nose, and finally, kissed her on the forehead. She closed her eyes. Then, quietly yet intently, Wind began to cry.

Kites and Towers by Maxim Loy

The kites climbed higher and higher, dancing around one another in quick, fluttering dips. Clara was convinced that if she could just reach out her hand, she’d be able to grab them and push them together. Force them to embrace. To understand. Clara felt a tap on her shoulder. She turned and saw Jade’s mouth moving but couldn't hear her over the wind. "What?" she half-yelled. The vicious wind which blanketed the top of the lookout point ripped the words out of her mouth. Jade frowned and cupped a hand against her mouth. "I said!" She hollered, barely able to be heard above the muffled roaring. "It feels like! I'm going to get blown off! If I let go! Of the railing!" "Hold onto me, then!" Clara yelled back, offering her arm. Jade gave a wan smile, turned away and clung even harder to the railing. Leaning her weight into the railing, she burrowed deeper into her puffer jacket. Clara turned her attention back to the scenery. Her eyes scanned the horizon, taking in the patchwork of fields and miniscule farmhouses that stretched out endlessly, bathed in watery grey winter sunlight. The only other people around were off in the distance, flying their kites. They were finally far, far away from the sweltering, bustling concrete jungle of Singapore where Jade constantly complained that the sun was too bright and hurt her eyes. Where the crowds were so thick they made Clara dizzy. Clara’s eyes flicked over to Jade, trying to read her. Her gaze rested on the slight furrow of Jade’s eyebrows as she fixed her eyes on the scenery, on the distance between Jade’s gloved hands and Clara’s elbow. Clara remembered a time of tangled fingers and laughs punctuated by the glow of streetlamps in the wee hours of the morning; she remembered how the soft deep purple of the light-polluted night sky had gently given Jade and herself a moment to be fully human. Now, the person next to Clara felt like a ghost, its corporeal form stitched together by the shards of those memories. “So? Was it worth the climb?” Clara half-yelled again. Jade startled violently, giving her a tight-lipped smile that was hardly better than her earlier silence. Clara wondered if the half-step Jade had taken away from her had been intentional. Clara turned her attention back to the kites–two diamonds swooping through the sky. One was a firetruck-red and the other was a sunny-yellow. She wondered if they had been part of a matching set. She wondered if Jade was watching them, too. She wondered if Jade would take yet another half-step away if asked whether she remembered the time they’d once flown kites together. Clara quickly tucked her hands into her pockets to prevent herself from tapping Jade’s shoulder again. If Clara closed her eyes, it was easy to imagine the wind as crashing waves. 𝘑𝘢𝘥𝘦 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦𝘥 𝘢𝘴 𝘴𝘩𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘊𝘭𝘢𝘳𝘢 𝘵𝘶𝘨𝘨𝘦𝘥 𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘴𝘦 𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘱𝘳𝘪𝘤𝘦𝘥, 𝘧𝘭𝘪𝘮𝘴𝘺 𝘬𝘪𝘵𝘦𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘮𝘦𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘭𝘢𝘴𝘵 𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘯 𝘢 𝘥𝘢𝘺 𝘰𝘳 𝘵𝘸𝘰. 𝘊𝘭𝘢𝘳𝘢 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘴𝘦𝘥 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘥𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘢𝘤𝘩, 𝘧𝘰𝘭𝘭𝘰𝘸𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘑𝘢𝘥𝘦’𝘴 𝘧𝘰𝘰𝘵𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘱𝘴 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘢𝘯𝘥, 𝘵𝘳𝘺𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘤𝘢𝘵𝘤𝘩 𝘢 𝘨𝘰𝘰𝘥 𝘸𝘪𝘯𝘥 𝘰𝘳 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘮𝘢𝘨𝘪𝘤 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘰 𝘦𝘹𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘴𝘩𝘦𝘦𝘳 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘱𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘳. 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘬𝘪𝘵𝘦𝘴 𝘭𝘢𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘢 𝘨𝘭𝘰𝘳𝘪𝘰𝘶𝘴 𝘮𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵, 𝘴𝘶𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘥 𝘪𝘯 𝘮𝘪𝘥-𝘢𝘪𝘳. 𝘌𝘢𝘤𝘩 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦, 𝘊𝘭𝘢𝘳𝘢 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘷𝘪𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘵𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘰𝘧𝘧 𝘴𝘰𝘢𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘭𝘰𝘶𝘥𝘴, 𝘢 𝘨𝘢𝘳𝘪𝘴𝘩 𝘳𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘣𝘰𝘸 𝘴𝘱𝘰𝘵 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘭𝘰𝘸𝘭𝘺 𝘧𝘢𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘧𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘯𝘰𝘰𝘯 𝘣𝘭𝘶𝘦. 𝘛𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘥𝘪𝘥𝘯’𝘵. 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘵𝘸𝘰 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘭𝘢𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘦𝘥 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘣𝘢𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘢𝘵 𝘧𝘭𝘺𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘬𝘪𝘵𝘦𝘴. 𝘑𝘢𝘥𝘦, 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘩𝘢𝘪𝘳 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘤𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘧𝘢𝘤𝘦 𝘪𝘯 𝘴𝘸𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘺 𝘣𝘭𝘢𝘤𝘬 𝘵𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘳𝘪𝘭𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘰𝘯 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘴𝘶𝘯𝘬𝘪𝘴𝘴𝘦𝘥 𝘤𝘩𝘦𝘦𝘬𝘴, 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘣𝘦𝘢𝘶𝘵𝘪𝘧𝘶𝘭 𝘦𝘯𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘊𝘭𝘢𝘳𝘢’𝘴 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘵 𝘢𝘤𝘩𝘦. Clara opened her eyes. The wind’s icy sting almost managed to distract her from the deepening melancholic throbbing between her heart and lungs. She tried to recall a single moment this holiday that she and Jade had laughed together, and drew a blank. Clara wondered if the holiday had been a bad idea after all. She’d thought a nice change of scenery would be fun, but Jade had always said that Clara was a little oblivious. She used to say it fondly, ruffling Clara’s hair. Now, she just huffed and rolled her eyes. Jade’s smiles had become a rare commodity these days. They appeared sporadically on unpredictable occasions–upon being presented with a tray of fresh muffins, or upon witnessing a tiny sprout emerging from the soil in their garden. Those small glimmering moments had been Clara’s lone star over a wine dark ocean. Over the past year, Clara had found herself waiting with bated breath, carefully scanning the inky horizon every day as she waited for that star to reappear. For the next thing that would bring back the sparkle in Jade’s eyes and the dimple in her sallow cheeks. Clara had been hoping this holiday would give her another one of those moments to hold onto. Yet now that she thought about it, perhaps somewhere warmer might have been a better option. A tug at her elbow abruptly snapped her out of her thoughts. “Hey! Let’s go up!” Jade said, pointing up to the level above them. Without waiting, Jade began walking. Clara followed. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀— The central column which ran through all three storeys of the lookout tower was a no-frills concrete structure dotted with windows, and housed a large spiralling staircase. Jade warily assessed the narrow stairs leading to the floor above. It now felt like an impossible distance, and Jade regretted suggesting they go up. The wind had left Jade’s ears buzzing, a low hum that muted and numbed all sensations, making the room feel just slightly off-kilter. She stuck a hand out, grasping for the wooden bannister. The warm indoor air was stifling and honey-like in its thickness. Jade could feel Clara’s eyes following her; she saw the way Clara’s hands kept darting out of her coat pockets only to be stuffed firmly back in again. As if she was worried Jade would shatter at the lightest touch. She wasn’t wrong. Jade’s skin felt like a violin string, wound so tightly it was out of tune. Just on the cusp of snapping if someone so much as breathed onto it. It had felt that way for months now. Snatches of a midnight conversation involuntarily replayed themselves as Jade dragged herself up the stairs. “𝘛𝘢𝘳𝘰𝘵, 𝘩𝘶𝘩? 𝘋𝘪𝘥𝘯’𝘵 𝘵𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘶𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘶𝘴 𝘵𝘺𝘱𝘦.” “𝘐’𝘮 𝘯𝘰𝘵. 𝘐𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘧𝘶𝘯.” “𝘐 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘢𝘭𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘺 𝘴𝘦𝘦 𝘪𝘵. 𝘔𝘪𝘴𝘴 𝘑𝘢𝘥𝘦, 𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘵𝘶𝘯𝘦-𝘵𝘦𝘭𝘭𝘦𝘳 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘢𝘶𝘳𝘢–𝘖𝘸! 𝘖𝘬𝘢𝘺, 𝘰𝘬𝘢𝘺. 𝘐’𝘭𝘭 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘱! 𝘛𝘢𝘳𝘰𝘵, 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩? 𝘙𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺?” “𝘠𝘦𝘴. 𝘙𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺. 𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳, 𝘪𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘢 𝘱𝘩𝘢𝘴𝘦.” “𝘋𝘪𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘢 𝘧𝘢𝘷𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘪𝘵𝘦 𝘤𝘢𝘳𝘥?” “𝘛𝘸𝘰 𝘰𝘧 𝘊𝘶𝘱𝘴, 𝘐 𝘨𝘶𝘦𝘴𝘴.” “𝘖𝘩? 𝘉𝘦𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦?” “𝘐𝘵’𝘴–𝘜𝘨𝘩, 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘪𝘴 𝘥𝘶𝘮𝘣. 𝘐 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘭𝘦𝘦𝘱.” “𝘛𝘦𝘭𝘭 𝘮𝘦!” “𝘍𝘪𝘯𝘦. 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘪𝘤𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘦 𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘤𝘢𝘳𝘥. 𝘐𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘴𝘦 𝘵𝘸𝘰 𝘱𝘦𝘰𝘱𝘭𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘺 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘦𝘥 𝘢𝘵 𝘦𝘢𝘤𝘩 𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳… 𝘐𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘴𝘰 𝘧𝘶𝘭𝘭 𝘰𝘧… 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘫𝘰𝘺.” The words replayed themselves like intertitles in an old black and white movie, starring Jade and Clara as the leads. It had been their first month living together. Their aircon had broken down. They were soaked in sweat and couldn’t sleep. They had wanted to cuddle but settled for holding hands while laying as still as possible. A mosquito had been whining somewhere around Jade's left ear, and they had been talking. Jade could hardly believe that they’d used to talk. She and Clara used to spend hours and hours exchanging rambling trains of thought. Jade could hardly believe she’d used to consider it the best part of her day. Jade would have done anything to return to being that version of herself. She’d gladly crush her past self into a powder, mix it with water and drink the concoction. She’d hollow herself out and stuff the soul of her past self into the gaping cavity within her, if that meant returning to who she used to be. Jade opened the glass door leading outside. She was glad that she couldn’t hear her thoughts over the screaming of the wind. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀— Any warmth and stillness Clara had been enjoying was immediately swept away the moment Jade opened the door. The wind was somehow even more brutal here–it whipped painfully against Clara’s cheeks and made her eyes water. Jade kept her head down and staggered resolutely towards the balcony, arms folded across her chest. The clouds had begun to gather. The wispy tendrils from morning were hardening into a thick blanket that dispersed the sun into light grey shadows. It would probably rain soon. There had been no shortage of rain during their holiday. The days had been punctuated by sporadic drizzles that came as quickly as they went, staying only long enough to turn the air chilly and dampen the pavement. Clara wondered if it ever drizzled up here. Or if the rain just turned into mist without ever having a chance to touch the ground. She missed Singapore’s rains. The monsoons that swept in after long, scorching weeks. The way the petrichor hung about for hours, sticking to one’s skin and clothes. She let out a deep, bone-shuddering sigh and leaned her full weight against the railing, thankful Jade wasn’t watching. She didn’t have to check to know this. After all, she'd always been the one watching Jade. 𝘐𝘵 𝘩𝘢𝘥𝘯’𝘵 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘊𝘭𝘢𝘳𝘢’𝘴 𝘧𝘪𝘳𝘴𝘵 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦 𝘴𝘦𝘦𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘑𝘢𝘥𝘦. 𝘛𝘩𝘦𝘺’𝘥 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘢𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘢𝘮𝘦 𝘣𝘰𝘰𝘬 𝘤𝘭𝘶𝘣 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘢𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥 𝘢 𝘮𝘰𝘯𝘵𝘩 𝘯𝘰𝘸, 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘵𝘰𝘥𝘢𝘺 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘪𝘳𝘴𝘵 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺'𝘥 𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘥 𝘶𝘱 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘩𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘰𝘨𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳. 𝘐𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘏𝘶𝘯𝘨𝘳𝘺 𝘎𝘩𝘰𝘴𝘵 𝘔𝘰𝘯𝘵𝘩, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘶𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘪𝘳 𝘮𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘯𝘢𝘨𝘨𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵. 𝘛𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘯𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘳𝘯𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘭𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘔𝘙𝘛 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘱𝘱𝘦𝘥 𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘥. 𝘐𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘮𝘪𝘥𝘥𝘭𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘭𝘢𝘳𝘨𝘦 𝘰𝘱𝘦𝘯 𝘧𝘪𝘦𝘭𝘥, 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘢 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘮𝘶𝘯𝘢𝘭 𝘫𝘰𝘴𝘴 𝘱𝘢𝘱𝘦𝘳 𝘣𝘶𝘳𝘯𝘦𝘳. 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘦𝘭𝘦𝘷𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘢𝘭 𝘤𝘢𝘨𝘦, 𝘢𝘵 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘵 𝘵𝘸𝘪𝘤𝘦 𝘊𝘭𝘢𝘳𝘢’𝘴 𝘩𝘦𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵, 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘢𝘯 𝘦𝘺𝘦𝘴𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘶𝘯 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘺𝘦𝘵 𝘣𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘭𝘺 𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘪𝘤𝘦𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 𝘰𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘯𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘴𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘭𝘦𝘥 𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘪𝘵𝘴 𝘣𝘭𝘢𝘤𝘬𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘥 𝘦𝘹𝘰𝘴𝘬𝘦𝘭𝘦𝘵𝘰𝘯. 𝘊𝘭𝘢𝘳𝘢 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘸𝘢𝘭𝘬𝘦𝘥 𝘱𝘢𝘴𝘵 𝘪𝘵 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 𝘸𝘦𝘦𝘬 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘢𝘴𝘵 𝘮𝘰𝘯𝘵𝘩, 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘢𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘪𝘵𝘴 𝘱𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘢𝘴 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬𝘨𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥. 𝘛𝘰𝘥𝘢𝘺, 𝘪𝘵 𝘣𝘶𝘳𝘯𝘦𝘥. 𝘍𝘪𝘳𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘨𝘭𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘥 𝘰𝘧𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘩𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘭𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵𝘴 𝘪𝘯 𝘑𝘢𝘥𝘦’𝘴 𝘩𝘢𝘪𝘳, 𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘨𝘰𝘭𝘥. 𝘍𝘪𝘳𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘥𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘥 𝘢𝘤𝘳𝘰𝘴𝘴 𝘑𝘢𝘥𝘦’𝘴 𝘴𝘬𝘪𝘯, 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘩𝘢𝘥𝘰𝘸𝘴 𝘭𝘦𝘧𝘵 𝘪𝘯 𝘪𝘵𝘴 𝘸𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘩𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘭𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘥𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘤𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘤𝘶𝘱𝘪𝘥’𝘴 𝘣𝘰𝘸. 𝘍𝘪𝘳𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘥𝘭𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘶𝘣𝘵𝘭𝘦 𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘬𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘤𝘰𝘭𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘪𝘯 𝘑𝘢𝘥𝘦’𝘴 𝘦𝘺𝘦𝘴, 𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘯𝘴𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘰 𝘢 𝘮𝘪𝘳𝘳𝘰𝘳 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘳𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘦𝘮𝘣𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘤𝘦𝘥 𝘱𝘢𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘯𝘴 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘢𝘵𝘩 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘣𝘳𝘦𝘦𝘻𝘦. 𝘊𝘭𝘢𝘳𝘢 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘴𝘰 𝘨𝘳𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘧𝘶𝘭 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘴𝘬𝘦𝘭𝘦𝘵𝘢𝘭, 𝘳𝘶𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨, 𝘴𝘰𝘰𝘵-𝘤𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘥 𝘤𝘢𝘨𝘦. 𝘐𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘪𝘵 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘮𝘢𝘥𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘶𝘳𝘯 𝘴𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘴𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘴𝘦𝘦 𝘑𝘢𝘥𝘦, 𝘪𝘯𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘱𝘳𝘦𝘩𝘦𝘯𝘴𝘪𝘣𝘭𝘺 𝘣𝘦𝘢𝘶𝘵𝘪𝘧𝘶𝘭, 𝘣𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘥 𝘪𝘯 𝘧𝘪𝘳𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵. 𝘊𝘭𝘢𝘳𝘢 𝘬𝘯𝘦𝘸 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘪𝘧 𝘴𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘥𝘪𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘯𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵, 𝘴𝘩𝘦’𝘥 𝘥𝘪𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘺. 𝘞𝘪𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨, 𝘑𝘢𝘥𝘦 𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘯𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘧𝘢𝘤𝘦 𝘊𝘭𝘢𝘳𝘢 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘢𝘴𝘬𝘦𝘥 𝘪𝘧 𝘴𝘩𝘦’𝘥 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘨𝘦𝘵 𝘢 𝘥𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘬 𝘵𝘰𝘨𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳. 𝘊𝘭𝘢𝘳𝘢 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘮𝘮𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘥 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺’𝘥 𝘮𝘪𝘴𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘭𝘢𝘴𝘵 𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘪𝘯, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘮𝘢𝘥𝘦 𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘯𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘦𝘦𝘵 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘥𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘬𝘴 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘸𝘰 𝘥𝘢𝘺𝘴. 𝘞𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘊𝘭𝘢𝘳𝘢 𝘳𝘦𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘳𝘺 𝘵𝘰 𝘑𝘢𝘥𝘦 𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘢 𝘺𝘦𝘢𝘳 𝘭𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘳, 𝘴𝘩𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘭𝘢𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘦𝘥 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘳𝘶𝘧𝘧𝘭𝘦𝘥 𝘊𝘭𝘢𝘳𝘢’𝘴 𝘩𝘢𝘪𝘳, 𝘴𝘮𝘪𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘧𝘰𝘯𝘥𝘭𝘺. Clara wished she’d taken more pictures and videos of those moments. Those evenings curled up on the couch, Jade tracing shapes on Clara’s knee while Clara mindlessly carded her hand through Jade’s hair. Those evenings, Clara truly felt that if she looked hard enough at Jade, she would have been able to see the colour of Jade’s soul. Clara had heard that every time one recalled a memory, it’d lose just a little more of its structural integrity. Like a photocopy of a photocopy. It was half true. Memories didn’t fade exactly, so much as they got re-written. Bits and pieces the brain deemed unimportant or irrelevant were left on the cutting room floor. Memories that had strong emotional ties were easier to recall. Yet these days, Clara found herself scrolling through her camera roll more and more, seeking the shape of Jade’s smile. She tried to remember how Jade’s voice had sounded before it took on the heavy, tired monotony that Clara hadn’t noticed until recently. More and more, Clara had found herself sighing loudly in the bathroom and reminding herself to smile before entering a room that Jade would be in. Sooner or later, it’d get easier. For now, Clara knew she had to be strong. Strong enough to keep trying. Strong enough to smile at Jade and follow when she tapped Clara’s shoulder and gestured that she wanted to go up to the top floor. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀— Clara looked tired. She’d been looking tired for a long time, and Jade couldn’t blame her. Jade knew Clara sometimes went to the bathroom just to sigh even though she said she was going to wash her hands. Jade knew Clara let herself stop smiling the moment Jade was out of sight. Jade knew Clara had been hoping that this holiday would help. God, Jade wished it would. Jade wished that everything Clara did to help would work, but all her efforts would inevitably be sucked dry by the void that lived under Jade’s skin. They were all the way in the Dutch countryside because Jade had once mentioned wanting to cycle through it and Clara hadn’t forgotten. Clara had looked so proud of herself when she showed Jade the bookings. Jade didn't know what face she had made when she thanked Clara, but she saw the void steal that moment from her. Jade looked at the stairs spiralling upwards to dizzying heights. She took a deep breath of thick, stifling air, and her feet dragged themselves up the first step. Why was she doing this? Why was she even here? Jade closed her eyes and kept climbing, trying to mute the swirling mess of half-formed thoughts that scraped at the insides of her skull. “𝘋𝘪𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘢 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘵 𝘧𝘢𝘷𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘪𝘵𝘦 𝘵𝘢𝘳𝘰𝘵 𝘤𝘢𝘳𝘥?” “𝘖𝘩, 𝘺𝘦𝘢𝘩. 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘛𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘳.” “𝘋𝘪𝘥 𝘪𝘵 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘢 𝘴𝘤𝘢𝘳𝘺 𝘱𝘪𝘤𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘦, 𝘰𝘳 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨?” “𝘠𝘰𝘶’𝘳𝘦 𝘢 𝘴𝘤𝘢𝘳𝘺 𝘱𝘪𝘤𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘦.” “𝘚𝘰𝘳𝘳𝘺, 𝘴𝘰𝘳𝘳𝘺. 𝘋𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘴𝘶𝘭𝘬. 𝘐 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘵𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘨.” “𝘍𝘪𝘯𝘦, 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘯𝘦𝘹𝘵 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶’𝘳𝘦 𝘴𝘭𝘦𝘦𝘱𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘤𝘩.” “𝘕𝘰, 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘤𝘩! 𝘈𝘯𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘤𝘩! 𝘖𝘬𝘢𝘺, 𝘵𝘦𝘭𝘭 𝘮𝘦 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘛𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘳. 𝘐’𝘭𝘭 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘱 𝘵𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘨.” “𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘛𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘳 𝘳𝘦𝘱𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘴 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘦. 𝘝𝘪𝘰𝘭𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘦. 𝘊𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘸𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘣𝘦 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘺 𝘧𝘰𝘳.” Her foot slipped on the last step. And before she could fall, Clara was already there. Clara smiled and the void opened a little wider. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀— Clara supported Jade by the elbow as she sat down heavily. There was no sound in the stairwell besides Jade’s heavy breaths and the muted howling of the wind outside. 𝘛𝘩𝘦𝘴𝘦 𝘥𝘢𝘺𝘴, 𝘑𝘢𝘥𝘦 𝘧𝘦𝘭𝘵 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘣𝘰𝘥𝘺 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘮𝘢𝘥𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘥𝘢𝘳𝘬 𝘮𝘢𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳, 𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘪𝘵𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘪𝘯𝘴𝘪𝘥𝘦-𝘰𝘶𝘵, 𝘴𝘸𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘰𝘸𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘶𝘱 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘭𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘢𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥 𝘩𝘦𝘳, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘰 𝘢 𝘱𝘢𝘭𝘦 𝘣𝘭𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘮𝘰𝘤𝘬𝘦𝘳𝘺 𝘰𝘧 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘪𝘵 𝘰𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘴. 𝘞𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘴𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘴𝘯’𝘵 𝘱𝘳𝘦𝘵𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦 𝘢 𝘩𝘶𝘮𝘢𝘯, 𝘴𝘩𝘦 𝘭𝘢𝘺 𝘰𝘯 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘣𝘦𝘥 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘩𝘰𝘱𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘴𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘥𝘪𝘴𝘴𝘰𝘭𝘷𝘦 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘰 𝘪𝘵. 𝘊𝘭𝘢𝘳𝘢 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘤𝘬𝘦𝘥 𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘥𝘰𝘰𝘳. 𝘑𝘢𝘥𝘦 𝘳𝘦𝘮𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘦𝘥 𝘭𝘺𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘥𝘰𝘸𝘯, 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘭𝘰𝘴𝘦𝘥 𝘥𝘰𝘰𝘳. “Let’s break up.” Clara blinked hard, convinced she had heard wrong. A draft had snuck under one of the doors of the building, and a low rattling ebbed and flowed through the lower levels of the lookout tower, rising and falling in time to Jade’s breaths. 𝘛𝘩𝘦𝘴𝘦 𝘥𝘢𝘺𝘴, 𝘊𝘭𝘢𝘳𝘢 𝘧𝘦𝘭𝘵 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘴𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘭𝘪𝘷𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘢 𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘳. 𝘚𝘩𝘦 𝘬𝘯𝘦𝘸 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘰𝘯 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘳𝘰𝘰𝘮 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘑𝘢𝘥𝘦. 𝘚𝘰 𝘸𝘩𝘺 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘴𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘰 𝘴𝘤𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘤𝘬? 𝘑𝘢𝘥𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘵𝘪𝘳𝘦𝘥. 𝘞𝘰𝘳𝘬 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘧𝘶𝘭. 𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘣𝘦 𝘧𝘪𝘹𝘦𝘥 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘢 𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘨 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘳 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘩𝘰𝘵 𝘧𝘰𝘰𝘥. “Excu-” “I said,” Jade repeated, louder this time and making sure to enunciate, “Let’s. Break. Up.” The words she’d been guiltily suppressing for months now felt surprisingly light. 𝘊𝘭𝘢𝘳𝘢 𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘳𝘰𝘰𝘮 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘑𝘢𝘥𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘵𝘤𝘩𝘦𝘥 𝘩𝘦𝘳. 𝘚𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘲𝘶𝘢𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘥𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘵𝘰 𝘱𝘪𝘤𝘬 𝘶𝘱 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘣𝘢𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘤𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘭𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘭𝘺 𝘵𝘩𝘳𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘯𝘦𝘹𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘥𝘰𝘰𝘳. 𝘈𝘭𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘱𝘪𝘤𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘶𝘱 𝘢𝘧𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘱𝘦𝘰𝘱𝘭𝘦. 𝘈𝘭𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘣𝘦𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘴𝘶𝘤𝘩 𝘢 𝘨𝘰𝘰𝘥 𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘰𝘯. 𝘚𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘱. 𝘉𝘶𝘵 𝘴𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥𝘯’𝘵. 𝘉𝘦𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘊𝘭𝘢𝘳𝘢. 𝘒𝘪𝘯𝘥, 𝘴𝘸𝘦𝘦𝘵, 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘊𝘭𝘢𝘳𝘢 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘣𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘺 𝘢𝘭𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘺 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘢 𝘮𝘦𝘢𝘭 𝘸𝘢𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘬𝘪𝘵𝘤𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘵𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦. 𝘈 𝘮𝘦𝘢𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘑𝘢𝘥𝘦 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘦𝘢𝘵. 𝘊𝘭𝘢𝘳𝘢 𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘦𝘥 𝘶𝘱. 𝘚𝘵𝘰𝘱 𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨. 𝘑𝘢𝘥𝘦 𝘥𝘪𝘥𝘯’𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘊𝘭𝘢𝘳𝘢’𝘴 𝘣𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘭𝘺 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘥 𝘱𝘪𝘵𝘺; 𝘪𝘵 𝘮𝘢𝘥𝘦 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘢 𝘥𝘺𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘯𝘪𝘮𝘢𝘭. 𝘚𝘵𝘰𝘱 𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨. 𝘚𝘵𝘰𝘱. Clara’s voice came out in starts and stops. The shadows cast by the gathering clouds grew darker, turning Jade’s face terrifyingly unreadable. “Did I do something wrong?” Jade jerked backwards, face twisting. Panicked tears welled up in Clara’s eyes and began to close her throat.“I did, didn’t I? I’m sorry. I’m–” 𝘊𝘭𝘢𝘳𝘢 𝘢𝘷𝘰𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘥 𝘦𝘺𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘵𝘢𝘤𝘵 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘑𝘢𝘥𝘦. 𝘚𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘤𝘶𝘴𝘦𝘥 𝘰𝘯 𝘱𝘪𝘤𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘶𝘱 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘴𝘦 𝘪𝘵𝘦𝘮𝘴 𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘳. 𝘈 𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘺 𝘤𝘰𝘪𝘯. 𝘈 𝘩𝘢𝘪𝘳 𝘵𝘪𝘦. 𝘈 𝘱𝘦𝘯. 𝘓𝘪𝘵𝘵𝘭𝘦 𝘣𝘪𝘵𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘑𝘢𝘥𝘦. 𝘊𝘭𝘢𝘳𝘢 𝘸𝘰𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘥 𝘪𝘧 𝘴𝘩𝘦’𝘥 𝘣𝘦 𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘱𝘶𝘵 𝘑𝘢𝘥𝘦 𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬 𝘵𝘰𝘨𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘪𝘧 𝘴𝘩𝘦 𝘨𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘥 𝘦𝘯𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘴𝘦 𝘱𝘪𝘦𝘤𝘦𝘴. 𝘚𝘩𝘦 𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘦𝘥 𝘶𝘱 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘮𝘦𝘵 𝘑𝘢𝘥𝘦’𝘴 𝘦𝘺𝘦𝘴. 𝘚𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘮𝘪𝘭𝘦𝘥 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘴𝘩𝘦 𝘥𝘪𝘥𝘯’𝘵 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘦𝘭𝘴𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘥𝘰. 𝘉𝘦𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘢 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘭𝘥 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘴𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘴𝘯’𝘵 𝘴𝘮𝘪𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘵 𝘑𝘢𝘥𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘴𝘯’𝘵 𝘢 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘭𝘥 𝘴𝘩𝘦 𝘬𝘯𝘦𝘸 𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘶𝘪𝘭𝘥. “Clara–No, of course not. Here, sit,” Jade grabbed Clara's shaking arms and gently pulled her down to sit on the steps next to her, shushing her and rubbing her back. “Clara, you’ve been great. This whole trip–No, that’s not fair. These two years have been great. You’ve been the best partner I could have asked for.” “Then, why?” Clara’s voice was a broken whimper and Jade’s heart felt as if it was slowly being ripped in two. “Because I’m no good, Clara. You’re great. But, I’m… I’ve changed. I’m not the person you got into a relationship with. This isn’t what you signed up for.” 𝘊𝘭𝘢𝘳𝘢 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘭𝘦𝘥 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘑𝘢𝘥𝘦 𝘱𝘶𝘴𝘩𝘦𝘥 𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 𝘶𝘱 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘰 𝘢 𝘴𝘪𝘵𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘱𝘰𝘴𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯. 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘥𝘶𝘭𝘭𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴 𝘪𝘯 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘦𝘺𝘦𝘴 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘳𝘦𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘤𝘦𝘥 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘩𝘰𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘧𝘳𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘤. “𝘚𝘵𝘰𝘱 𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘵 𝘮𝘦,” 𝘴𝘩𝘦’𝘥 𝘩𝘪𝘴𝘴𝘦𝘥, 𝘦𝘺𝘦𝘴 𝘯𝘢𝘳𝘳𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘥. 𝘈𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘑𝘢𝘥𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘣𝘦𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘢 𝘧𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘬 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘳𝘮𝘦𝘥 𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘳𝘰𝘰𝘮 𝘮𝘪𝘳𝘳𝘰𝘳. 𝘊𝘭𝘢𝘳𝘢 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘵𝘸𝘰 𝘣𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘤𝘢𝘵𝘤𝘩 𝘶𝘱 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘦𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨. 𝘛𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘑𝘢𝘥𝘦 𝘱𝘶𝘯𝘤𝘩𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘮𝘪𝘳𝘳𝘰𝘳. Clara shook her head. “I–No, I promised to keep supporting you.” “And you’ve kept that promise. I know I’ve been a real pain, so–” 𝘑𝘢𝘥𝘦’𝘴 𝘣𝘰𝘥𝘺 𝘩𝘶𝘮𝘮𝘦𝘥. 𝘐𝘵 𝘧𝘦𝘭𝘵 𝘢𝘴 𝘪𝘧 𝘢 𝘭𝘢𝘳𝘨𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘭𝘥 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘴𝘪𝘵𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘯 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘰𝘯𝘨𝘶𝘦, 𝘨𝘳𝘰𝘸𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘴𝘵𝘺 𝘵𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘳𝘪𝘭𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘸𝘳𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘦𝘥 𝘢𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘭𝘪𝘱𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘦𝘢𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮 𝘴𝘩𝘶𝘵. 𝘚𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘵𝘤𝘩𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘮𝘪𝘳𝘳𝘰𝘳. 𝘞𝘢𝘵𝘤𝘩𝘦𝘥 𝘢 𝘩𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘳𝘦𝘥 𝘊𝘭𝘢𝘳𝘢𝘴 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘢𝘵 𝘩𝘦𝘳, 𝘦𝘺𝘦𝘴 𝘥𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘥𝘳𝘰𝘰𝘮 𝘥𝘰𝘰𝘳 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬. 𝘚𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘵𝘤𝘩𝘦𝘥 𝘢𝘴 𝘊𝘭𝘢𝘳𝘢 𝘳𝘢𝘯 𝘰𝘶𝘵. 𝘑𝘢𝘥𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘴𝘶𝘳𝘦 𝘊𝘭𝘢𝘳𝘢 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥𝘯’𝘵 𝘳𝘦𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘯. 𝘉𝘶𝘵 𝘊𝘭𝘢𝘳𝘢 𝘥𝘪𝘥. 𝘈𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘩𝘦’𝘥 𝘣𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘳𝘰𝘰𝘮 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘷𝘢𝘤𝘶𝘶𝘮. 𝘈 𝘩𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘳𝘦𝘥 𝘊𝘭𝘢𝘳𝘢𝘴 𝘳𝘦𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘯𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘯 𝘶𝘱 𝘑𝘢𝘥𝘦’𝘴 𝘮𝘦𝘴𝘴. 𝘑𝘢𝘥𝘦 𝘳𝘦𝘮𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘦𝘥 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘮𝘪𝘥𝘥𝘭𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘳𝘰𝘰𝘮, 𝘯𝘶𝘮𝘣𝘭𝘺 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘭𝘢𝘤𝘬 𝘴𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘥𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘮𝘪𝘳𝘳𝘰𝘳 𝘭𝘦𝘧𝘵 𝘪𝘯 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘴𝘬𝘪𝘯. “No! I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to–I’ll do better! I–” “Clara!” Jade grabbed Clara’s shoulders, resisting the urge to shake her. “Listen to me–” “No!” Clara stood up abruptly, folding her arms across her chest. “This is the depression talking, isn’t it?” Jade’s mouth fell open. For the first time in a while, she felt the stirrings of something that wasn’t the deep empty void within her. “Excuse me?” 𝘑𝘢𝘥𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘨𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘰𝘧𝘧𝘪𝘤𝘪𝘢𝘭 𝘥𝘪𝘢𝘨𝘯𝘰𝘴𝘪𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘥𝘦𝘱𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘣𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘳𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘦𝘧. 𝘖𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘪-𝘥𝘦𝘱𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘴 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘵 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘦𝘯 𝘩𝘢𝘻𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘴𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘭𝘦𝘥 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘴𝘬𝘪𝘯 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘣𝘰𝘯𝘦𝘴. 𝘖𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘢𝘱𝘺 𝘮𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘱 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘱 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘴 𝘪𝘧 𝘴𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘢 𝘱𝘶𝘱𝘱𝘦𝘵 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘯𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘧𝘳𝘢𝘺𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴. 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘥𝘪𝘢𝘨𝘯𝘰𝘴𝘪𝘴 𝘴𝘦𝘦𝘮𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘱 𝘊𝘭𝘢𝘳𝘢 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘯 𝘩𝘦𝘳. 𝘊𝘭𝘢𝘳𝘢 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘴𝘦𝘦𝘮𝘦𝘥 𝘱𝘰𝘴𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘷𝘦𝘭𝘺 𝘳𝘢𝘥𝘪𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘪𝘳𝘴𝘵 𝘮𝘰𝘯𝘵𝘩 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵, 𝘳𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘨𝘪𝘰𝘶𝘴𝘭𝘺 𝘢𝘴𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘑𝘢𝘥𝘦 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘦𝘵𝘪𝘵𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘳𝘨𝘺 𝘭𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘭𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘳𝘦𝘤𝘰𝘳𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘪𝘯 𝘢 𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘦𝘣𝘰𝘰𝘬, 𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘤𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘪𝘥𝘦 𝘦𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘗𝘳𝘰𝘻𝘢𝘤, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘴𝘶𝘳𝘦 𝘑𝘢𝘥𝘦 𝘥𝘪𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘬𝘴𝘩𝘦𝘦𝘵𝘴 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘢𝘱𝘪𝘴𝘵. 𝘛𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘦𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘥 𝘮𝘰𝘯𝘵𝘩 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦. 𝘊𝘭𝘢𝘳𝘢 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘵𝘢𝘬𝘦𝘯 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 𝘰𝘱𝘱𝘰𝘳𝘵𝘶𝘯𝘪𝘵𝘺 𝘵𝘰 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘷𝘪𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘑𝘢𝘥𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘨𝘰 𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘢𝘭𝘬𝘴, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘵𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘷𝘪𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘑𝘢𝘥𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘶𝘱 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘴𝘦𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘴. 𝘚𝘩𝘦 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘣𝘢𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘮𝘶𝘧𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘴 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘳𝘦𝘨𝘶𝘭𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘑𝘢𝘥𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘰𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘱𝘳𝘢𝘪𝘴𝘦𝘥 𝘢 𝘣𝘭𝘶𝘦𝘣𝘦𝘳𝘳𝘺, 𝘭𝘦𝘮𝘰𝘯 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘱𝘰𝘱𝘱𝘺𝘴𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘮𝘶𝘧𝘧𝘪𝘯 𝘴𝘩𝘦’𝘥 𝘮𝘢𝘥𝘦. 𝘛𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘳𝘥 𝘮𝘰𝘯𝘵𝘩 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦. 𝘑𝘢𝘥𝘦’𝘴 𝘱𝘴𝘺𝘤𝘩𝘪𝘢𝘵𝘳𝘪𝘴𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘶𝘱𝘱𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘥𝘰𝘴𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘗𝘳𝘰𝘻𝘢𝘤 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘶𝘳𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘭𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘭 𝘸𝘢𝘴𝘯’𝘵 𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘱𝘪𝘯𝘨. 𝘑𝘢𝘥𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥𝘯’𝘵 𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬 𝘢𝘵 𝘢 𝘮𝘶𝘧𝘧𝘪𝘯 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘢 𝘴𝘮𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘸𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘯𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦𝘢 𝘣𝘶𝘣𝘣𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘶𝘱, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘊𝘭𝘢𝘳𝘢’𝘴 𝘦𝘺𝘦𝘣𝘢𝘨𝘴 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘨𝘳𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘢 𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘵𝘭𝘦 𝘥𝘢𝘳𝘬𝘦𝘳. “You’re not being yourself.” “I haven’t been myself in at least a year now, have I?” “Yes. No. I mean–” 𝘊𝘭𝘢𝘳𝘢 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥𝘯’𝘵 𝘭𝘪𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧. 𝘏𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘥𝘴 “𝘔𝘢𝘫𝘰𝘳 𝘋𝘦𝘱𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘋𝘪𝘴𝘰𝘳𝘥𝘦𝘳” 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘣𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘥 𝘢 𝘴𝘦𝘯𝘴𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘱𝘶𝘳𝘱𝘰𝘴𝘦 𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘦𝘳. 𝘛𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘴𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬 𝘶𝘱 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘵𝘶𝘥𝘺. 𝘚𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘴𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘢 𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘯 𝘢𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥. 𝘚𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘩𝘪𝘤𝘩 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘰𝘸 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘴𝘮𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘶𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘦𝘴𝘴. 𝘚𝘰 𝘴𝘩𝘦 𝘢𝘴𝘬𝘦𝘥 𝘲𝘶𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴, 𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴 𝘶𝘱, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘴𝘦𝘥 𝘥𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 𝘴𝘶𝘨𝘨𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯. 𝘚𝘩𝘦 𝘥𝘪𝘥𝘯’𝘵 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘦𝘭𝘴𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘑𝘢𝘥𝘦. 𝘚𝘩𝘦 𝘥𝘪𝘥𝘯’𝘵 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦 𝘪𝘧 𝘴𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘴𝘯’𝘵 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘑𝘢𝘥𝘦. “Am I just some crazy person now who doesn’t know their own mind? Is that what you’re saying?” Jade found herself standing as well, her fists beginning to ball up. “No! I’m sorry! That came out wrong! Please let me–” 𝘑𝘢𝘥𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘵𝘪𝘳𝘦𝘥 𝘰𝘧 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘢 𝘴𝘶𝘳𝘷𝘦𝘺. 𝘘𝘶𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘴𝘺𝘤𝘩𝘪𝘢𝘵𝘳𝘪𝘴𝘵 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 𝘮𝘰𝘯𝘵𝘩. 𝘘𝘶𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘢𝘱𝘪𝘴𝘵 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 𝘸𝘦𝘦𝘬. 𝘘𝘶𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘊𝘭𝘢𝘳𝘢 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘧𝘦𝘭𝘵 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘳. 𝘐𝘵 𝘮𝘢𝘥𝘦 𝘨𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘬 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘢 𝘳𝘦𝘱𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘷𝘦, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘪𝘵 𝘮𝘢𝘥𝘦 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘩𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘺 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘪𝘵 𝘧𝘦𝘭𝘵 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘢𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘵𝘳𝘺𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘱. 𝘈𝘭𝘭 𝘴𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘥𝘰 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘭𝘰𝘤𝘬 𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 𝘪𝘯 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘳𝘰𝘰𝘮 𝘢𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘭𝘦𝘦𝘱 𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳. 𝘚𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘴𝘰 𝘵𝘪𝘳𝘦𝘥. “What? Fix it? Fix me? Well, bad news! I don’t think I can be fixed!” The words echoed up and around the staircase of the lookout tower, mixing with the breaths of the building and suspending themselves in a ghostly cloud that stung Jade’s eyes. “I–I don’t think I can be fixed.” She sat back down on the stairs with a loud thump. The words she hadn’t been able to say to her therapist or even whisper to herself had finally torn themselves free from her tongue, and there was no choice but for her to finally cry. With every new medication and every passing week of therapy, Jade had grown more and more convinced that there hadn’t been a life before depression, and that there would not be one after. There was simply an eternal present. Memories of laughter and midnight conversations with Clara were being rewritten into dimmer, dream-like copies of themselves. Clara’s nose was still running. The shock of Jade’s outburst had temporarily stopped her tears. Empty platitudes of comfort fought to crawl up and out of her throat, but she knew they would not be welcome, and swallowed them down into a hard ball. Hesitantly, she took one of Jade’s hands lying limply on her lap. She squeezed. Finally she finally tugged at Jade, urging her to stand. Jade stared at the arm as if it belonged to a mannequin. Finally, she looked up to meet Clara’s still-red eyes. “Let’s go see the kites.” The building moaned around the beat of stunned silence. Jade sniffled loudly and tried to yank her hand out of Clara’s, but Clara only tightened her grip. “Clara, didn’t you hear what I just said?” Jade groaned, using her free hand to wipe her tears across her cheek. The rattling from the doors seemed to grow louder. “I did. And we have a lot to talk about. But right now…we’re here. And… I don’t know if you saw them, but–” “I don’t think the kites will still be there,” Jade snapped, gesturing at the windows where the sunlight had been almost entirely blotted out. There was a sharp crack of something small hitting a window, as if to emphasise Jade’s point. The wind creeping in had taken on a lonesome wail. Clara chewed the inside of her cheeks, her eyes fixed on a distant point beyond the door. “I don’t know either… but I’d like to see. And I’d like you to be there next to me. Okay?” Clara’s mouth was set in a hard, resolute line. When Clara turned to look at Jade, Jade saw herself reflected in Clara’s eyes. She looked tired. For the first time in a while, Jade was able to look at her without feeling the urge to recoil. “Okay,” Jade squeezed Clara’s hand and allowed herself to be pulled up. Together they walked to the door. Clara yanked it open, inviting in a spray of cold rain water. Jade yelped and wiped at her face. The stormclouds painted thickly across the sky blotted out the sun. Giggles rushed out of Clara as she ran into the needle-like raindrops, dragging Jade with her onto the viewing platform. The kites were gone. The rain stung her eyes and blinded her. She could barely hear her own laughter above the wind. Jade was holding onto her as they staggered, hands outstretched to find a railing. When they found it, Clara leaned into Jade’s side. This time, Jade didn’t move away.

They're Tumbling! by Hu Tian Ao

They’re swaying, they’re swaying They’re swaying in the breeze Canopies are capering with birdsongs in reprise They’re rolling, they’re rolling They’re rolling in the wind Sweltering and softening as temperatures recede They’re tumbling, they’re tumbling They’re tumbling in the gale Bits and bobs are blasting off an arbitrary trail Cascading, cascading Cascading in the storm All this mess will acquiesce, becoming aeriform They’re calming, they’re calming They’re calming down so fast Every second, as we reckon, better than the last Relaxing, relaxing Relaxing once again That’s the end, let’s go back in and OH… here comes the rain!

Midnight texts from your bestie by Brandon Servos

I know it is good, taking off the rainbow layers of cloth and paint stuck deep in these folds, in hard to reach and see places, turning the water to full heat, retracing a night out with you, the girl who taught me how to dance. Rebuilding the certainty that you were also eager for my presence, that I was not a decoration of sprinkles over your vanilla sponge cake life, that I did not only tag along because your boyfriend was busy. Here I am transformed by your eyes, still a queen on days too long to bathe, shave, exercise, eat as little as I’d like, or suck in my tummy for a selfie. Here I am hesitating, a gentle hairy beast, made clear to myself in the periphery of your sepia-tinted, white-rimmed Chanel. Now I know you know who I am, the laugh too loud, the step too affected, sharp pieces scattered brightly over black water, given to myself as a gift wrapped for you in delicious pink.

Flock by Karuna Kwok

There is always a wanderer, one who flies slightly out of formation. Perhaps it is not the act of a rebel or scapegoat, but some instinct to safeguard the tribe through exploration. Survival is never easy against the backdrop of fickle winds. Yet everyone does their best and trusts that amidst winds of change is a divine thread holding rebel and flock together.

Weathervane Blues by J.L.

I. OZONE overhead, the omnipresent thundercloud hanging on the horizon, expanding sinisterly, blotting out the sun — a calamitous storm in the making. the razor-edged wind howls louder and louder, air pressure plummeting, white-hot electricity crackling. soon the tension boils over, hits breaking point, e x p l o d e s in a resounding clap of ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀II. THUNDER ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀in caustic barbs and deafening roars, ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀in anger and argument, ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀each insult from my father ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀singeing my spine, each of my mother's shouts ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀a spine-tingling boom. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀and i feel it like detonation, like shrapnel, ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀like infernal lightning ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀searing mortal flesh. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀these days, i dream of escape ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀from these four walls ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀that threaten to ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀close in on me, to suffocate ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀with the stifling heat of rules and roles. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀these days, i long to close my eyes ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀and wake up to a house that isn’t ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀home to temper and tempest ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀more than it has ever ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀been home to me. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀and at last, ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀the cumulonimbus ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀departs. it is gone, ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀but in its absence, ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀we are still left with ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀III. RAIN ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀we are left with drowning, ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀we are left with ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀sodden sun, leaden sky, ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀wet with teardrops. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀cold soaking into my skin ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀into my bones ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀as if even the heavens themselves ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀are weeping, too. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀and yet, in the aftermath, ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀echoing through this ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀hurricane house ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀cleansed by rainwater, ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀i find at last ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀a long sought-after ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀resounding ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀quiet.

Breakfast at Daqiaoxia, at the intersection of Zhongxiao and Zhongshan road by Cheri Hu

Behind a glass window, I’m finishing my chee cheong fun, sipping milk tea that has cooled to an odd temperature — neither warm, nor cold. I’m learning the routine of traffic lights at this road junction, this intersection of journeys. The rhythm seems the same yet different each time. Each person who waits here briefly is headed somewhere else. I’ll never see them again. I’ve a train to get on, but that can wait. I’ll sit here for just a while more, and sip the last drops of my tea that I would otherwise have left behind.

Hard Truths by Florence Loh

Dear Mom and Dad, ⠀⠀⠀⠀Too dangerous for females to travel alone? Worrying about me was your occupational hazard as a policeman, Dad, persuaded as you were that no country could beat Singapore’s low crime rates. Though I was a working adult paying for my trips, you refused to respect my preference for solo-travelling. What was more, you always insisted on getting the contact numbers of my travel mates, in case I ended up in danger and uncontactable. Undeterred, I embraced this game of make-believe, and resolved to convince you each time that I had travel companions; your suspicion was fertile training ground that bloomed a proficient liar out of me. ⠀⠀⠀⠀Don’t get me started on the SIM cards purchased over the years! I’d purchase phone numbers on cards with prepaid credits, then choose a colleague’s name to match each number to. I could have reused previously purchased phone numbers, but they expired when I stopped topping their credits up after a trip was over. Having an actual colleague in mind to visualise and base my replies on helped in churning out consistent and realistic answers to questions you’d pose about my travel buddy. You always felt that travelling in a bigger group was safer, and highly recommended that I booked package tours instead of free-and-easy travel; I noted this advice, but disregarded it. Hence, you often puzzled over my travelling in a party of two all the time. Having no one to split expenses with, I had to save on costs by purchasing only one additional SIM card per trip; it was the price to pay for freedom and privacy, so as to be in control of all travel decisions. ⠀⠀⠀⠀Yet enduring a stressful vacation was also a price to pay whenever my phone beeped with an incoming notification from you. The worst nightmare would be you video-calling me; I had only a limited number of excuses to explain the prolonged absence of my travel companion for the duration of your call. Had I said that she was in the shower, I would have had to ensure a closed bathroom door, and to preferably have the showerhead spraying audibly on the floor, all within the time span before picking up your call. Had I said that she was out getting breakfast, that might have been easier to pull off, though that was not a convincing excuse when used daily. Yet, thanks to your frugality in wanting to help me save on expenses, you always chose voice-call or text over video-call, which I appreciated. ⠀⠀⠀⠀It was just as bad when you asked for a photo of us together. So, I finally got down to learning the ropes of Adobe Photoshop, and would request from my “travel companion” a few photos of her in different poses and outfits, zoomed in at varying degrees. ⠀⠀⠀⠀The outcome? Twenty solo trips and counting! I came back in one piece. Every. Single. Time. The greatest feat in my confidential portfolio of stunts. Each trip was managed with increasing ease, as pertinent data accumulated; I learnt to pre-empt the common questions you’d ask and the replies you wanted to hear, concluding that of utmost importance was the need to allay your fears regarding safety. Hence, when asked about the itinerary, instead of admitting my self-drive, I’d say that a day-tour had been booked. When asked about accommodations, instead of revealing the motels booked to save on costs, I’d name a respectable hotel. Thankfully, you never asked for my booking confirmations, though I became less worried after mastering the basics of Adobe Photoshop. I was thankful to the Personal Data Protection Act for assurance that my details would not be revealed even if you contacted the “hotels” I booked. ⠀⠀⠀⠀Sometimes, to avoid these hassles, I squeezed in my own trips whenever you went on yours. I would pack and hide my bags, then leave right after you did. I would have made sure to book a flight departing from a different terminal from yours, and to touch down with enough time to head home and get laundry done before your return. The thrill of living on the edge sharpened my instincts and taught me how to see a lie through to its completion, even under limiting conditions. ⠀⠀⠀⠀If only you knew that I had a track record of assessing risk and keeping myself safe in foreign lands, you might see solo-travel for females differently… ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Your Deceitful Daughter ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀* * * Dear Mom and Dad, ⠀⠀⠀⠀The first time I was offered a job to teach at a special education school, you disapproved. I pleaded with what little courage I had, but you stood your ground. You claimed I was crazy to choose a work life harder than mainstream teaching. I reckoned that your real desire was for me to put my degree to better use, in an institution of higher learning. Fear consumed the remnant specks of my courage, until I had no will left to defy you, since Christianity taught me to honour thy parents. Also, Dad, with you insisting on driving me to work every single day, it was impossible to accept the offer behind your backs, despite my wealth of experience with stealth amassed during solo travels. It was thoroughly futile to pit myself against you, leaving no choice but to comply, just to avoid the awkwardness and shame of returning daily to face the ones I’d defied. With learned helplessness, I rejected the offer, despite knowing full well that a parent’s signature was never needed to accept the role! Perhaps this was my retribution for the myriad lies conjured to pull off multiple solo trips… ⠀⠀⠀⠀Alas! You would never have imagined my ecstasy when Dad, a stroke hit you that thumbed down your mental acuity, preventing you from ever driving again! As your short-term memory declined, you could never recall what the day and date was. Hiding things from you became a breeze, since you’d forget things told to you all too soon. And Mom, was I glad when you were swarmed with caregiving duties for Dad, so that you both no longer had the bandwidth to shower me with attention. Ginger, a rhizome with a non-linear network that enabled a-signifying rupture, could be broken at its root and still regrow at an eye nodule. Symbolising resilience, this root vegetable aptly paralleled my dream of teaching at a special education school, once severed at the roots by your disapproval and now regrowing at the eye nodule of Dad’s illness! Forgive me, Dad, for gloating over your misfortune. The time had come to re-submit my application, and I would have been foolish not to seize the chance. ⠀⠀⠀⠀I truly enjoyed teaching, and was spurred on by the improvements shown by my students—children so authentic and innocent, they didn’t judge their teachers. The classroom was a stage on which I could teach spontaneously and without judgment even when I made honest mistakes, such as mixing up the students’ assigned roles during a class performance. They were forgiving, and simply went along with my error, until I sensed their confusion in trying to play their roles. Their non-judgmental nature was a far cry from the home environment you raised me in. ⠀⠀⠀⠀Heading to the laundromat to launder my new work uniform became my new norm, just to avoid possible questioning from you. I had no regrets. I regarded it as training to have to keep this up for a year, a means to regain the rights you deprived me of as an adult. Waiting at the laundromat, I pondered my life of stealth. I hoped that one day, if you knew I was capable of enduring what you’d consider a hard work life, you’d trust me to make my own decisions… ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Your Hopeful Daughter ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀* * * Dear Mom and Dad, ⠀⠀⠀⠀Much has been done to transform human-centred spaces into poly-species environments, so that humans could co-exist with diverse species. Prototypes were developed using thermochromic filament to detect bee hives, and cameras were installed to track deer movements so as to prevent traffic accidents. With my every move coming under your watchful eyes because you never allowed an unmarried daughter to move out, coupled with numerous opportunities to display your unsolicited concern regarding my marital prospects, what would allow me to co-exist peaceably with you? ⠀⠀⠀⠀The solution was flight, costing five hundred bucks monthly to rent a meagre room without air-conditioning. It was money that could have been better spent on self-care, considering that I’d never spent a single night there. Yet at least in this stuffy room I got to call the shots, and no one nagged at me for spending too much time in the room instead of making conversation. No one nagged at me for pouring too much time and energy into my cello-playing hobby instead of finding a mate. ⠀⠀⠀⠀Having a room away from home was also a godsend whenever I was on medical leave. There, I could rest undisturbed without having to endure the patronising concern you’d have lavished upon me, had you known I was unwell. Mom, with your occupational hazard as an ex-nurse, I had to escape your regular monitoring of my temperature and blood pressure, your unsolicited offers of pill supplements and boiled herbal remedies, and your incessant questioning. To all this, my reply would always be, “I'm better already,” just to stop you from asking further questions. I also rented a spare cello to practise, so that you would not question the disappearance of my cello at home. ⠀⠀⠀⠀You would probably have found this ridiculous and a waste of money, since at home I had a bigger room with air-conditioning. Knowing that this would have displeased you added to the thrill, and I wished you were aware of my rebellion, so that you would have been irked for real. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Your Needling Daughter ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀* * * Dear Mom and Dad, ⠀⠀⠀⠀Thanks for the major renovations done to our house. I was really excited! Not because of the comforts of a furnished home I could certainly do without, but because of the improved quality of life I got to enjoy from spending time away from you. ⠀⠀⠀⠀When my brother offered to put the three of us up at his place during the renovation period, you agreed. I declined, not wanting to inconvenience him and his wife. You believed me, confident that your upbringing had groomed me into a considerate lady, whereas I was really ecstatic at the opportunity for a rare taste of freedom. To be away from your overly-attentive eyes, albeit for a mere two months, was worth staying on-site and risking asbestos-exposure in our dust-filled house. Thanks to quick-thinking cultivated from years of experience at hiding things, formulating a socially-acceptable excuse to conveniently decline brother’s offer had become second nature. ⠀⠀⠀⠀If this meant masking up to sleep to protect myself from the dust, I’d have done it. If this meant waking up at ungodly hours to race down the elevators to get to the condo’s pool toilet to answer nature’s call in the dead of night, I’d have done it! If this meant sharing the elevators in messy hair with neighbours who had to politely endure my morning breath and bagful of toiletries in tow, I’d have done it. Whatever it took to gain however little time away from you, I’d have done it. ⠀⠀⠀⠀I'd wager that even without your loving showers of nagging and concern, I’d still have emerged in one piece, and with a much more carefree state of mind, even with only a temporary release from your reins. Dare you bet with me on that? ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Your Determined Daughter ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀* * * Dear Mom and Dad, ⠀⠀⠀⠀I fully respect your choice of strict parenting, although it was not as if I had any say in the matter. Yet know that as a result, there are logical consequences you can’t escape from. I’ll refuse to open up my heart to you, since revealing my true self means facing the wrath of your disapproval. Foundational to any form of therapy is for attunement to be achieved between therapist and client; the relational moment when the therapist connects with and gains the client’s trust is essential for the therapy to work. Since heart-to-heart talks are a big no-no, we will always be the therapist-client duo that would never work out, and so you kissed your chance of meeting my authentic self goodbye. I won’t bother hating you; being indifferent makes life easier. I won’t shirk my familial responsibilities—you’ve raised me well enough to acknowledge that. Yet that is all they’ll ever be—responsibilities done as duties, without love. If you are ever hospitalized, I’ll visit you, but will abide by visiting hours and leave once the time is up. I will attempt to fulfil your requests as long as they are within my means. Yet I won’t offer to ask if there is anything you need; you will have to swallow your pride to ask for help, should you need anything from me. ⠀⠀⠀⠀Hats off to you for jumping at any chance to offer me assistance, even after I’ve rejected your attempts for the umpteenth time. From emptying my trash to offering me Vitamin C tablets, you’re ever on high alert for when your services might come in handy. I won’t kick up a fuss, but don’t expect to be thanked either. I fear that your persistence is only a means to buy my love, when love is a commodity I’m not confident of delivering in return. ⠀⠀⠀⠀Perhaps only when we can regard each other with mutual indifference, without expecting love in return, would I then be willing to accept your help. Until then, I know better than to accept favours I’ve no confidence of returning. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Your Transactional Daughter ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀* * * Dear Mom and Dad, ⠀⠀⠀⠀Do you subscribe to selective hearing? Not knowing about my solo-travel escapades and bungy-jumping attempts spares you from sleepless nights of anxiety. Not knowing I swim in bikinis, and not knowing that I manage students with special needs, frees you from white hair and wrinkles of worry. Not knowing my innermost thoughts saves you from heartache. Try tuning in to only what tickles your approval. Still, I worry you might suffer a heart attack from being privy to my endeavours, particularly my relationships with men. Yet before you read on, let me first add a disclaimer that might be of some comfort—I’m still a 40-year-old virgin. Your Christian upbringing has indoctrinated me into maintaining my chastity outside of marriage, and I’ve dutifully kept it till this day. ⠀⠀⠀⠀As a teenager, I’d been brainwashed by your dogma of “No dating while studying”. I never explored my infatuation towards males, simply making do with swooning over crushes and fantasising about a long, white gown laced with frills. When adulthood arrived and you finally allowed me to date, I found myself constantly drawn to emotionally unavailable men whose treatment of me mirrored the absence of love I felt from you, Dad. These men either turned out to be married, or were simply out for flings. I made it clear from the get-go that I wanted my virginity preserved, just in case I met an eligible bachelor who had your approval someday. Moreover, I feared being pregnant and facing your wrath, and non-penetrative intimacy was an adequately surefire way to prevent pregnancy. Somehow, God protected me with men who possessed marvelous self-control to honour my wishes, and who were happy to make do with handjobs and blowjobs. Perhaps, being sober enough to foresee my neediness, they knew the attention I’d demand from the one who took my virginity would make them bite off more than they could chew. ⠀⠀⠀⠀They were guys you’d definitely disapprove of, hence the need to indulge in these encounters behind your backs. Those who wanted a serious relationship felt like too much commitment; I never believed I deserved their affection, having never gotten my fill of love from you to ever know it as a norm. Moreover, I didn’t want to put a guy I cared for through your scrutiny, knowing you’d impose similar, or even higher, standards of strict parenting on them. I would rather let you think of me as your socially awkward daughter who was unable to find a boyfriend. ⠀⠀⠀⠀I only had my first boyfriend, a relationship more serious than a casual encounter, in my late thirties. Carl, the chef at a restaurant I frequented, was single when I met him, and had never been married. Wanting a relaxed ambience where I could unwind during my afternoons away from home, I often arrived after the lunch crowd had left. It was during this lull period that Carl could leave the kitchen to chat with customers, especially with regulars like myself. What started out as requests for feedback on the menu and casual exchanges of cooking tips slowly progressed to discovering that we were both unattached; his irregular work-shifts were the main cause of his failed relationships. Having a schedule that was incompatible with regular working hours made him unable to give a partner the attention they needed. He admired the confidence I exuded when dining solo, and thought my independence might be the ingredient he needed in a girlfriend. Promising for a real future together, right? ⠀⠀⠀⠀However, he was white, of western descent, and two zodiac cycles older than me–a full year younger than Mom. I didn’t imagine you were open-minded enough to accept a contemporary with a background more liberal than yours as a son-in-law. You'd fear for my hard life ahead due to cultural differences and the potential of not having a companion in old age. Forget that the basic principles weren’t even adhered to right from the beginning; him being a non-Christian rendered us unequally yoked, thus forbidding the union in the first place. My tendencies towards emotionally unavailable men seemed to have prevailed. ⠀⠀⠀⠀Nevertheless, as Carl’s girlfriend, I experienced joys previously unknown. So thrilled was I to be pampered with attention that I chose to be blind to the practical difficulties, the euphoria of finally receiving male attention being too enticing for me to immediately give up the relationship. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Your Romping Daughter ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀* * * Dear Mom and Dad, ⠀⠀⠀⠀Deep down, Carl and I knew we wouldn’t work out, given our circumstances. Yet, curiosity and the draw of puppy love caused my heart to rule my head. While I’d stubbornly go all out to make things work so I could continue latching on to Carl’s affection, he was mature and practical, knowing that it wouldn’t be long before our relationship gave out. ⠀⠀⠀⠀Dad, as you weren't a positive role model for me, I grew up skeptical of the male species. I approached Carl with constant distrust, especially when he interacted with his female regulars, fearing a third party might usurp the puppy love I so desperately held on to. My self-sabotaging anxiety finally took a toll on him. When my baseless suspicions caused the relationship to meet its natural end, I grieved the demise of my miracle. Delusional with heartbreak, I uncharacteristically decided to let you in on my relationship with Carl. It was the first time in a long while that I had come clean with you, for the sake of honouring my relationship with the recognition it deserved. You were sympathetic, but ultimately supported the break-up, since principles of Christianity were violated. ⠀⠀⠀⠀However, letting go turned out to be an impossible task. I stopped cello classes, lost interest in travelling, and was no longer interested in meeting up with my girl-friends. Instead, I wanted to reserve as much of my time as possible for Carl, and to stand as great a chance as possible to match his already-limited schedule, on the off-chance he was still willing to spend time with me. Shamelessly, I continued hoping beyond hope that we would work out somehow, and eventually did manage to persuade him to get back together. ⠀⠀⠀⠀Still, Dad, being the policeman you were, your keen instincts prevented you from being easily fooled. You quickly discovered that I had not, in fact, stopped dating Carl as I claimed. This was in spite of the reduced mental sharpness resulting from your stroke. Perhaps it was also this lack of clear thinking that made you resort to extreme measures to put a stop to me seeing Carl. That proved to be the last straw and a crucial turning point, no less. ⠀⠀⠀⠀Being naively in love clouded my judgment, which you took advantage of. Believing that you were privately investigating the whereabouts of Carl and I as you claimed, and believing in your threats to submit a complaint of harassment that would revoke his foreigner employment pass, I panicked, not bothering to consider if you really had a case. His safety was all that mattered to me. Once again, I was forced to surrender to your wishes. Your threats were what it finally took to make me stop engaging in a relationship I wasn't supposed to. ⠀⠀⠀⠀Yet internally, I raged at the necessity of these impossible choices. In my heart, I wailed, “Why am I subjecting myself to fit inside your box, when I am an adult who should be free to make my own choices in life? Why do I allow myself to be forced to do something against my will, even if that something is the right thing to do? Don’t I have the right to make my mistakes, and learn the hard way, instead of doing things just because you command me to?” Unable to contain my bursting rage and unresolved grief, only one course of action remained—I had to move out. The time to rebel and break free had come. ⠀⠀⠀⠀Needless to say, you wouldn’t hear of it, insisting that a daughter moved out only when she got married. Neither was I backing down this time. Had I been more rational and less madly in love, I would have had a packed luggage bag on standby so that I could up and leave for a temporary abode. Yet to my dismay, moving in with Carl was not an option. He was sensible enough not to agree to put me up at his place, given the threats to his livelihood that you actually resorted to. “Amoral” and “nutcase” were words he used on you. Hearing my parents insulted by the one I held dear left me disorientated, yet I was too drugged by puppy love to stand up for you. ⠀⠀⠀⠀The matter unresolved, you suggested consulting the church pastor to weigh in on this issue. Should the pastor deem my moving out reasonable, you’d relent. Otherwise, the status quo was to remain. Though indignant at the thought of putting my life in the hands of a pastor, I agreed. Thankfully, life dealt me a fair hand after all, rendering my indignation unfounded when I glimpsed the long-awaited light at the end of my tunnel. The pastor stood by me as an adult who should be allowed to make decisions for herself, but also gave me words of advice to amply pre-empt you before I decided to attempt anything that might conflict with your conservative mindsets. ⠀⠀⠀⠀Little by little, the storm subsided, as sunshine began peeking through the clouds. I had hit rock-bottom, and was steadily crawling my only way up. You started giving me more space to decide matters for myself without over-questioning me, and acknowledged that your loving words of advice were suggestions to be considered, instead of instructions to be followed. You no longer needed to know my whereabouts whenever I left the house, and I felt less compelled to inform you when I was coming home late. While you still hoped I’d come out of my room to interact with you more, you respected my need for space when I’d rather avoid you. I appreciated that you no longer needed us to dine together for all meals, allowing me some healthy distance from you for a change. Having the rights to my life slowly returned to me, I could finally breathe easy, no longer feeling such a vast difference in my state of mind between the tension from being around you, and the catharsis in being away from you. I started being authentic to myself, choosing what I really wanted, instead of forcing myself to choose out of fear simply to please you. Though it was not an ideal parent-child relationship, I believed time would smooth things over. ⠀⠀⠀⠀The cherry on top of the cake was purchasing my maiden home, after you relented in your demands that an unmarried daughter was not to move out. ⠀⠀⠀⠀While some faced multiple rejections before successfully applying for a built-to-order flat, I received a favourable queue number right on my first attempt. Applying only after the storm had passed proved to be the perfect move. The timing was spot-on. Getting that flat was meant to be, especially when I had a good chance of choosing my preferred unit. Yet I had to hold my horses; not everything was a bed of roses even though I had stepped out of the storm. ⠀⠀⠀⠀I had always wanted a unit on the highest level; in this case, it was the 40th floor of the block. Besides the panoramic views and the lack of disturbance from noisy neighbours overhead, it was, without question, the novelty of owning a penthouse that drew me in. Imagine the excitement of my nieces and nephews bouncing up the elevators to visit me all the way on the top of the world! Alas, you had different opinions on what entailed an ideal unit. Though you concurred with the advantage of panoramic views, you prioritised practical concerns—burst water tanks most directly affected units on the highest level, which also bore the brunt of the sun’s heat. Hence, your recommended unit was one on the 39th floor; one that would have great views while still taking into account your practical concerns. ⠀⠀⠀⠀I nearly acquiesced to choosing the 39th floor just to save myself the anguish of fighting a futile battle with you. Yet if this had been the case, I would have lived in regret for the rest of my life, as this was no small purchase. Luckily for me, circumstances developed differently. ⠀⠀⠀⠀On the appointed day to select my flat, units on the 39th floor were available, but only one unit on the 40th floor remained. It was clear as day—that unit had been waiting for me. I was just in time for 40 over 39—guilt-free and without secrecy. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Your Unleashed Daughter ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀* * * Dear Mom and Dad, ⠀⠀⠀⠀These days, you continue to respect my need for space. I’m thankful for that, though I’ll admit there are still certain things I do behind your backs, knowing that they would potentially disappoint you. Nonetheless, you tirelessly harbour hopes for a closer bond with me; one that replaces responsibility with love. Will we ever achieve this? Only time can tell. Regardless, I know I will be at peace whether or not this outcome comes into fruition. I wish you could say the same. That way, you’ll save yourself from discouragement—being hung up on my love, only to grasp elusively faint glimmers of it. ⠀⠀⠀⠀It can be suffocating at times, knowing you embrace hopes I am unsure I can fulfil. This suffocation was precisely the enlightenment I needed to take baby steps at loosening my grip on Carl, whom I reckon suffocated similarly under my persistent hopes to be more than friends. Life is hard enough; let us make things easier by relieving ourselves from the pressure to love and be loved, shall we? ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Your Appeased Daughter

Fighting the Plague by Moira Hong-Chen

Lim Hock Chong had survived two air strikes that had killed his parents. He had narrowly missed being shot in a beachside massacre, lying underneath the bodies of less fortunate Chinese men. But the fear these events had evoked in him was nothing compared to the terror he felt the evening he returned to his attap house and found that Bee Leng was not there. He dashed out into the kampong, yelling her name. Neighbours peered out, but kept to their rickety thatched houses. He could not blame them. The village was full of new settlers like the Lims, people who had moved in when their previous houses were seized by the Japanese. Hock Chong and Bee Leng had become residents not six months ago. Besides, the Occupation had changed people. Most kept to themselves these days. It was easier to avoid being asked whether you had food than it was to turn someone down. Makcik Hafizah, who alone in the village had welcomed them the day they moved in, was again alone in offering him help. She promised to scour the kampong for Leng and to give her signal—an ear-splitting whistle—should her search be successful. This left Chong free to search beyond the kampong. He sprinted towards the dirt road outside, but had barely reached it when a shrill whistle echoed about him. Weak-kneed with relief, he staggered back. And there Leng was, next to Makcik Hafizah, both of them walking out of the forest that surrounded the kampong. Panic returned when he saw that her clothes were torn and hanging off one shoulder, and that she seemed hardly able to stand, with Makcik Hafizah having to steady her. Her visage worsened as he drew nearer: Leng’s face was pale apart from a bloody scratch running along one cheek. He took her into his arms. She was trembling uncontrollably. “Are you hurt anywhere we can’t see, Leng?” Makcik Hafizah asked in a hushed voice. Leng shook her head, clinging on tightly to Chong’s arm with cold fingers. “Alhamdulillah. Take her home, Chong, quickly.” “Terima kasih, Makcik,” said Chong. Their neighbour waved her hand and shook her head. From old photos she had shown them, Makcik had once been prosperous of face, but months of hunger had hollowed out her cheeks. “Come over if Leng needs any help,” she said, disappearing into her attap hut. Horror resurfaced again when Chong learnt, after Leng had calmed down enough to speak, that she had been accosted by a couple of Japanese soldiers on her way home from selling tapioca in the nearby village. She had struggled, and been dealt a stinging slap with the back of a bayonet that split her skin open. Then the men had spotted two other girls a distance away. Prettier ones. With comelier bodies. And so Leng had been cast onto the dirt road with a few well-aimed kicks. Panic drove her straight into the nearby forest, where she had followed the general direction home just out of sight from the road, making a few detours so she could stay under cover of the trees. As he rocked the silently crying Leng in his arms, Chong vowed that their days as tapioca sellers were over. He needed a job that paid better, if she was to remain safely ensconced in the kampong. Purely by chance, he found one in a matter of days after this incident: an old school friend he met while selling tapioca got him a job at his workplace at Outram, where a position had opened. “Epidemic prevention?” Leng repeated, when he told her about it. The cut on her cheek had been healing, but she had purposely peeled the scab off early, all the better to scar herself. (“It’ll keep me safe,” was all she had said when Chong had exclaimed at the wound.) “Vaccines for the plague? But you’ve never worked in a lab before.” The shadow of Chong’s old job as the second-generation owner of his father's now defunct trading company loomed over them. The whirlwind war had left a destructive trail, and no one was ready to speak of the painful wreckage that remained: a ruin that was still evolving with each passing day of the Occupation. “He says I didn’t have to, the work is easy enough,” said Chong, careful to keep his voice light. “With the pay, you could stay here in the kampong and tend to the tapioca plants all day. And the lab is just a short walk away, so I can come home quickly to you.” He leaned in and kissed her temple. She pulled away. “But you’ll be working with them?” There was no need to clarify whom she’d meant. “Yes,” he said. It was something he hadn’t wanted to think about too deeply. “But they created this department to develop vaccines for the good of the public, so they can’t be that bad.” It became a refrain of his in the coming months. 𝘛𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘤𝘢𝘯’𝘵 𝘣𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘣𝘢𝘥, he would think whenever he was struck across the face by a superior for not carrying out a task just so. 𝘛𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘤𝘢𝘯’𝘵 𝘣𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘣𝘢𝘥, he would say to his old school friend each time they were made to stay overnight to finish what had just been assigned that very day. 𝘛𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘤𝘢𝘯’𝘵 𝘣𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘣𝘢𝘥, he once scrawled absently in his notebook. He had been too shaken to focus on work after seeing, from a second-floor window in the Dai-shichi laboratory, some Japanese researchers kicking a child, the boy having committed the crime of not bowing to them when he walked past. Then, horrified by his own daring, Chong had spent the next fifteen minutes conscientiously scribbling out the words, shredding the page, and feeding the pieces to the flaming tongue of a Bunsen burner. At least the work itself was manageable—unpalatable, but well within Chong’s abilities to execute despite his lack of experience. His old friend had shown him the ropes the first day he’d reported to the premises, a building achingly reminiscent of the bygone colonial age, with neat Doric columns that must have been white once, but were now smeared grey with dust from the war. “Here’s how we feed them,” his friend had said as they stood in front of a tall glass enclosure filled with rats. Their Japanese laboratory supervisor, a man who wore his hair slicked back like a shiny helmet, lingered at the doorway of the room, narrow eyes watchful behind silver-rimmed spectacles. Chong nodded. A distant school memory reminded him that the bubonic plague was linked to rats, and the enclosure before him crawled with them. Most limped or stirred feebly; others did not move at all. “What do we feed them with? Food waste?” “Not the rats,” said his friend, and brought up a sealed jar from the floor. “Them.” He pulled off the lid, and torrents of small black specks poured out of the jar. After a moment, Chong realised what they were, and he finally understood why, despite the sweltering heat in the lab, they had been issued coats with long sleeves tucked into gloves. His skin crawled as the army of fleas leapt towards the infected rats. In a matter of seconds they had all disappeared, hidden under the fur of the rodents. When his friend judged that enough time had passed, he showed Chong how to collect the engorged insects: shining light from a torch to chivvy the fleas to a corner, and then gathering them in handfuls and dumping them back into the jar. Again, Chong’s body itched at the sight of the fleas hopping en masse towards the corners. In his peripheral vision, he saw the Japanese supervisor walk out of sight. “Then we check the fleas,” his friend explained, beckoning Chong to follow him as he brought the filled jar to the next room, where two microscopes sat on a table. The turgid body of each flea, he instructed, was to be placed on the stage of the equipment, and checked for signs of infection. The successfully infected insects were then collected in another glass jar. “What do they do with the fleas?” Chong asked. His neck and shoulders ached after an entire afternoon of peering down the microscope. The infected fleas had all been contained in a jar, and the ones that had not caught the plague had either been placed in a separate container for further monitoring, or housed with the diseased ones for cross infection. They’d then burned the dead rats in an incinerator, and were now supposed to disinfect their gloves with soap and a pail of scalding water. Chong had already soaped his gloves while wearing them, but his skin was still prickling from having dealt with the insects and rodents, and he was loath to divest himself of the added layer of protection. “They send them overseas. Thailand, I think,” answered his friend, who had already peeled off his gloves and begun dipping them in the pail. “They’ve got scientists in Thailand researching the plague?” His friend shrugged, gloves steaming as he hung them on a rack to dry. “Who knows. I just know we don’t do it here in the Dai-shichi lab.” He clapped Chong on the back. “Don’t ask so many questions, Chong. We just do our work, keep our heads down, and get home safe. I’m off.” He suited action to the word, and as Chong sanitised his gloves, he could hear his friend bidding the Japanese caretaker a very polite goodbye, doubtless coupled with a deep bow. Chong soon grew used to the work. He mastered the chores just in time, too, for his friend was eventually transferred to the Dai-ni lab, which was purportedly making good progress on a potential vaccine for tetanus. The news was bolstering, a reminder that a vaccine, too, was the end goal of the Dai-shichi lab. And so— 𝘛𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘤𝘢𝘯’𝘵 𝘣𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘣𝘢𝘥, he said to the new employee, when the Japanese laboratory supervisor with his slicked-back hair demanded to know why the production was so slow. “Don’t you know what you’re here for? How can we fight the plague if there’re so few infected fleas to work with? Make more of them, or you won’t want to know what’s coming,” he said, small eyes flint-like behind silver spectacles. He spoke in his mother tongue; the Japanese hated speaking English. Since the Occupation started, Chong had been learning Japanese through lessons on the radio and books he pored over in the evenings, and he understood his superior. He bent double, his eyes trained on the supervisor’s glossy leather shoes, and said the first Japanese phrase his school friend had made him memorise: “Moushiwake arimasen.” 𝘐 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘯𝘰 𝘦𝘹𝘤𝘶𝘴𝘦. His junior echoed the same. “They need more fleas so they can run more experiments,” he said to his junior, as they left the laboratory for the day, their backs sore from maintaining obeisance until the supervisor had dismissed them. “Designing a vaccine probably takes many tries.” “More than the thousands they’ve received from us?” He had no response. But then, he told himself after they parted ways, he was no scientist. One day, when Chong was a year into the job, the supervisor actually smiled at him—a landmark moment. Even more unprecedented was his approaching them during lunch hour. The caretaker followed, holding a tray with two bowls of noodles, which he set down on the table some distance away from the microscopes. Chong glanced at his junior. Judging by the worried eyes gazing back, it seemed that poison was on his colleague’s mind as well. “Yoku yatta. Kui,” the supervisor said genially. 𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘬𝘦𝘥 𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘥. 𝘌𝘢𝘵. An order, but then the praise helped allay their fears. They set to it. The noodles were made of tapioca, as were most things these days, and Chong already knew they would be tough to chew. What he did not expect, however, was the coldness of the broth. He nearly choked on his first mouthful, but managed to keep his food in, and swallowed with difficulty. “Oishii,” he lied, and got another smile in return, along with the explanation that it was soba—or as close to soba as they could get in this dratted land. There was no hope of feeding the 𝘥𝘳𝘢𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘥 noodles to the rats, for both the supervisor and the caretaker lingered till their bowls were clean: the supervisor walking around the room and examining papers and notes, the caretaker sitting on a stool in a corner. “What was that about?” muttered his junior, when their Japanese masters were gone. “No idea,” said Chong. He found out later, when he was walking home at the end of the day (the noodles, as it turned out, were disgusting, but not dangerous). Following the path around a tall bush, he saw his supervisor and another laboratory head under a tree, smoking as they flirted with some Japanese nurses from the nearby hospital. Heart pounding, he ducked back behind the bushes again. None of them had seen him, thankfully, and he remained crouched for some time, mentally mapping an alternative route home. Then a burst of raucous laughter caught his attention. “How many died, again?” said the other lab head, chuckling. “They didn’t say exactly, but thousands of those Chinese dogs.” A smirk was discernible in his supervisor’s voice. “Congratulations,” chorused the nurses. “The Dai-shichi lab did well. Buy me dinner when you’re promoted?” “Why don’t all of you come over for some sake tonight instead?” A chorus of yeses, accompanied by consenting squeals from the ladies. The men ground their cigarettes beneath their shoes and the party traipsed off, laughter trailing in their wake. Chong didn’t know how he got home. He found himself at the doorway of his attap hut, Leng taking his briefcase from him. “You’re back early.” She smiled, but it did little to erase the frown line etched by the Occupation. And now, the Occupation had given her face another keepsake: the greyish scar on her cheek. Chong made it a point to kiss that exact spot when he returned every day, to celebrate finding her safe at home. Today, however, he merely sank to the floor at the threshold and sat there, leaning against the wall. The Dai-shichi lab had done well. It had killed thousands. He had worked hard. He had helped kill thousands of the Chinese. People in his ancestral motherland. Fighting the plague, indeed. Wilful ignorance no longer had any purchase. They never needed infected fleas for vaccine development. They would have needed infected rats, if anything, as animal models. He heaved. The tapioca noodles showed up again in the spittoon that Leng fetched. She patted his back as he retched. When he was spent, she held him as he shivered, her embrace warm and comforting. And he remembered why he was doing what he did. “You all right?” Leng asked quietly. He wiped his mouth on his handkerchief and nodded. “Better.” Better the thousands of faceless folk than his wife. The Occupation had changed him, too, it seemed. That night, he forced himself to finish his food. More tapioca noodles, though these were admittedly easier to stomach given the warm, lightly herbal broth they sat in—a ghost of the thick, rich bak kut teh that had been prevalent before the war. But sleep could not be forced. He lay awake for most of the night, staring at the dark underside of the attap roof, where weak light from the waxing half-moon trickled through the spot that would leak when it rained. At the cock’s crow, red-eyed and weary, he headed to work. He did so again the following day, and the day after that. On the seventh day, returning from work, a terrible keening rent the air as he came to the small road just outside the kampong. He halted, flesh creeping. The sound was not intelligible; indeed, it was not even recognisably human. But there was no mistaking the emotion. Devastation. His pulse quickened. Stumbling into the kampong, he saw the source of the unearthly cry: the middle-aged woman who lived in the attap house closest to the entrance. She crouched over—Chong squinted, and realisation came with a thrill of horror—a body. The limp form of her husband was stretched out on the ground, surrounded by a dark, spreading puddle. Strewn about them were woven baskets and household items. Uprooted tapioca plants lay limp on the soil, and their front door had been entirely torn from its hinges. The inside of the hut, from what little he could see in the failing light, was just as disordered. There was no sign of their daughter, a young girl not yet fourteen. He whirled around. Chaos surrounded him. Suddenly, he became aware of other wails and moans, sounds so steeped in pain and anger and grief that they were almost animalistic. One emitted from an elderly man, nearly unrecognisable from the bruises around his eyes and the blood dripping from his broken nose; Chong knew him only by the hut he was slumped against. Another came from a small boy whom Chong did recognise; the child was limping towards the depths of the kampong, crying for his mother—a young woman of twenty, who was nowhere to be seen. Then his eyes fell on his attap hut. Its door was gone, too. No lamp lit it from within. Air molecules seemed to cling to him, slowing him down. He could not reach the hut fast enough, and when he did, he saw what a pointless exercise it was. She was gone. He did not hear the sound his lungs made. He did not feel the ground as his knees met it. He felt only the coldness of the evening, the absence of her. Then a warm presence materialised at his side. “I’m here,” a voice said shakily. It sounded marvellously like his wife. “I’m all right.” He looked around, blinking away tears he had not known he was shedding. And there Leng was, next to Makcik Hafizah. Both were clad in tudung. He launched himself at his wife, not letting her go even as she told him what had transpired. While Leng was at Makcik Hafizah’s hut, Japanese soldiers had arrived, hunting for Chinese girls to enslave as comfort women. The youngest daughter of the neighbours in the first hut had been taken, alongside others; her father, who had fought for her, had been deemed a Mainland Chinese sympathiser and badly injured. “Makcik helped me put on the tudung,” Leng said. “She gave them food and told them I was her adopted child. She saved me, Chong.” Makcik waved her hand and shook her head. Yet accompanying this dismissive gesture was the quaking of her fingers; the trembling of her lower lip. “I should have saved them all,” she said, drawing a shaky breath. Chong saw that she was looking at the young boy who had been screaming for his mother. The child was now in the arms of his grandmother, an elderly lady whom Chong greeted from time to time. Her silver hair seemed to have turned white in the course of a single day, and she wept as she held on to her grandson. “Maybe he would still have his mother with him.” “Do 𝘯𝘰𝘵 blame yourself, Makcik,” Leng said sharply. “It was all so sudden. You did all you could. You did 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦 than could be asked.” She made to take Makcik Hafizah’s hands in her own, disengaging herself from Chong’s embrace. But Chong’s arms had already gone slack, and they fell to his sides at the gentle push from her hands. From the corner of his eye, he saw Leng turn towards him questioningly, but he could not look away from Makcik's hut—specifically, the person emerging from it: Makcik Hafizah's youngest child, a boy of six, who now trotted towards them while rubbing his eyes. “Selamat petang, Pakcik,” he said to Chong, before turning to his mother. “Mak… I’m hungry.” Makcik scrubbed the tear tracks from her cheeks and pressed her son’s face to her side, preventing the boy from looking closely at the devastation around them. “Yes, sayang, but we have to wait for your Pak.” She attempted to sound brisk, but the effect was unconvincing. “This boy slept through the whole thing, Alhamdulillah.” Chong could not move. Makcik Hafizah had ten children, two of whom had died in battle before Singapore had fallen to the Japanese. Five still lived with her. He could see four tousled heads poking out from the doorway. Ridiculously, a Japanese phrase came to mind. 𝘔𝘰𝘶𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘸𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘢𝘳𝘪𝘮𝘢𝘴𝘦𝘯. I have no excuse. “Thank you, Makcik,” he said, shame washing over him. “We owe you everything.” “You owe me nothing,” Makcik Hafizah said. Her mouth was pulled taut. “I wish I could have saved everyone. Come back inside, sayang.” Putting her arm around her son, she led him back towards the house. At the threshold, she turned around. “I’m boiling soup with the vegetables Leng gave me. Will you both help me bring some around to the neighbours?” “Of course, Makcik,” he said. “Boiling. That’s a great idea.” Leng shot him a strange look, but he shook his head. With bowls of soup to distribute and assistance to administer to the injured, there was no time to talk to her just then—nor, truthfully, did he want to. Much later that night, when they both lay on the cool rattan mat and he had promised himself that he would speak, his mouth would not open. Coward that he was, he waited for the deep, even breathing that indicated Leng had fallen asleep, then got up. By the light of the full moon streaming in through the hole in the roof, he pulled on his darkest clothes. After a long look at Leng’s sleeping form, he left, replacing the broken door against the frame with a gentle thud. Given the curfew, he kept close to the forest by the road, ready to plunge into the trees at a moment’s notice. But even the periodic look over his shoulder failed him: he was halfway to the laboratory when someone grabbed him from behind. His heart missed a beat. Involuntarily, he yelped. A small hand clapped over his mouth and Leng’s voice spoke in his ear: “It’s me.” The nape of his neck prickled with horror. The thud of the door. It must’ve woken her. He had not imagined that she would follow him. “What’re you doing?” he hissed as she pulled him into the forest, stopping only when they were a distance from the road. “What are 𝘺𝘰𝘶 doing?” she shot back, breathing heavily. When his eyes adjusted to the dim moonlight filtering through the canopy, he saw that she’d changed into a dark outfit as well, but her hair, usually tied in a bun, still fanned out around her face—mussed from sleep. “There’s something I need to do at work,” he said carefully. 𝘊𝘰𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘥. “Something unauthorised?” He froze, and she shook her head. “It was obvious, the way you crept along—you haven’t got a curfew pass.” Leng had always been nimble of mind. It was what he loved best about her. “Well? Tell me,” she said, eyes gleaming. At the admiration on her face, shame burned in him all over again. She thought him brave. He had to confess. “Leng.” His voice was harsh against the gentle chirping of the crickets around them. She slipped her hand into his, looking at him eagerly. “I’ve done something terrible.” So that he wouldn’t see her face fall, he stared at the ground as he explained his role in the Dai-shichi laboratory. Her continued silence terrified him. He made sure not to close his hand around hers, so she could withdraw it if she wanted to. But she held on, even when he said wretchedly, “I knew, and I went back. I’ve known exactly what I’ve been doing for a week now, and till today, I continued to do it willingly.” She held on. It was more than he could have asked. Then she squeezed his hand. “I’m worse,” she said, her voice low. “You remember, that day when—the time I was caught by them—” She swallowed, her nails digging into the back of his hand. “When they went after the two other girls instead, I was so relieved. I didn’t think of trying to help them, not for a second—” He glanced over, but she, too, was looking down. “You couldn’t have done anything.” “I could’ve called out to them to run away,” she said. “Given them a fighting chance.” “You would’ve been risking your own life.” “Like how Makcik Hafizah risked her children’s lives for me?” Her voice was brittle. Then she looked up at him, and her tone softened. “But you appreciate that already, Chong, don’t you? That’s why we’re here. Tell me—what exactly are you doing?” “I’m going to get rid of the infected fleas.” “How?” The fragmented beginnings of a plan had come to him when Makcik Hafizah mentioned that she was boiling soup. Boiling, like the water they used to disinfect tools in the lab. Fleas could not survive high temperatures. He had learnt that the very first day on the job. “They’re flying the next batch of infected fleas to Thailand in about two months. I’m replacing them with the uninfected ones. Not right away, though—we’ve got a supply of uninfected fleas in the lab to experiment with other diseases, but I can’t use them all for the swap; people will notice if they suddenly disappear. So I’ll have to breed them. I’ll sneak some uninfected fleas home—a handful at a time, so they won’t be missed—and have them feed on the rats I catch in the kampong.” “Do fleas multiply quickly?” she asked doubtfully. “Very, because it’s warm and humid here. Though with the smaller quantities I’m bringing home, it probably won’t be enough to catch up to the number of infected fleas that needs replacing—so I’ll have to kill some infected ones from time to time, by boiling and incinerating them, to keep their numbers down. Then, closer to the shipment date, I’ll kill the remaining infected ones, and replace them with the uninfected fleas from home.” Leng tilted her head. “This will work just once, won’t it? When they check the fleas in Thailand, or when they attack another city in China and no one gets the plague, the game will be up.” “Yes, so I’ll have to figure out a permanent solution, too. Maybe seek out the anti-Japanese resistance—what’s left of them.” “And you’re heading to the lab now to—?” “To kill some infected fleas, and bring home uninfected ones in spare containers.” “Is it safe?” “Quite safe; no one’s there overnight.” “Surely there’re guards?” “Only the occasional night patrol.” He tried for an offhand tone, but Leng’s face showed that she understood the danger he was downplaying. “I’ll come with you.” He grabbed her shoulders. “You won’t. I won’t let you.” “You must,” she said gently, placing a hand on his cheek. “I want to make amends. I know this won’t help the”—she faltered—“those girls. But it feels like the right thing to do.” “I don’t want to lose you,” he said, voice cracking. “I don’t want to lose you, too.” She closed the gap between them and nestled her head in the crook of his neck. “If we work together, we’ll have a better chance of surviving, wouldn’t you say?” He was about to answer when, somewhere between them and the road, the foliage rustled. Leng tensed against him; she heard it too. As they watched, the shrubbery was disturbed by something of considerable size. A wild boar. Possibly. Or something much worse. From the way she’d started trembling, Leng had clearly arrived at the same conclusion. She gestured to a nearby tree, and they stepped behind the trunk. Dry leaves crunched beneath their feet. Chong winced. All the time, the newcomer continued prowling towards them. They clung to each other as a beam of light suddenly appeared. It illuminated a tree in front of them, and then moved to the spot where they had recently stood, before swinging away. A man's voice spoke, in Japanese: “See anything?” A brief silence ensued, during which Chong’s heart seemed determined to announce its presence. Another voice—also male, but much nearer—replied: “No. I definitely heard something, though…” “Let’s go,” said the first voice, sounding uneasy. “I’ve heard—stories…” “Shut up, grandma,” the other scoffed. More rustling, but he was retreating. Over the chirping crickets and clicking bats came the squeak of bicycle chains and whirr of wheels—sounds they should have heard approaching, had they not been talking so loudly. This time, they remained silent long after the soldiers had gone. Leng was still shaking when he finally pulled away. “You okay?” She nodded. “This is what we’re up against. I think it’s likely that we’ll both be caught and killed.” When she spoke, her voice was soft but firm. “I know. But someone has to defy them. Makcik did, when she saved me.” Wordlessly, he reached out, and she fell into his embrace. There she was: his whole world, in his arms. But there was another world outside. One he could no longer turn away from. He wiped her tears gently with his thumbs. “Ready?” he whispered. She nodded again, her mouth set. “You?” In answer, he took her hand and began walking towards the laboratory to execute a plan that could fail—that was, in fact, inclined to fail. Already, it had led to a brush with death. But then, as Leng had said, someone had to defy them. – 𝗔𝘂𝘁𝗵𝗼𝗿'𝘀 𝗡𝗼𝘁𝗲: 𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘬 𝘰𝘧 𝘧𝘪𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘪𝘴 𝘣𝘢𝘴𝘦𝘥 𝘰𝘯 𝘖𝘒𝘈 9420, 𝘢 𝘶𝘯𝘪𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘐𝘮𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘢𝘭 𝘑𝘢𝘱𝘢𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘦 𝘈𝘳𝘮𝘺 𝘴𝘦𝘵 𝘶𝘱 𝘪𝘯 𝘚𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘢𝘱𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘥𝘶𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘑𝘢𝘱𝘢𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘦 𝘖𝘤𝘤𝘶𝘱𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘰 𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘤𝘩 𝘣𝘪𝘰𝘭𝘰𝘨𝘪𝘤𝘢𝘭 𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘧𝘢𝘳𝘦—𝘸𝘩𝘪𝘤𝘩 𝘥𝘪𝘥 𝘪𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘪𝘯𝘤𝘭𝘶𝘥𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘳𝘦𝘦𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘧 𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘨𝘶𝘦-𝘪𝘯𝘧𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘧𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘢𝘵𝘵𝘢𝘤𝘬𝘴 𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘪𝘳 𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘮𝘪𝘦𝘴. 𝘏𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳, 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘪𝘯𝘤𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘴 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘦𝘪𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘧𝘪𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘶𝘴 𝘰𝘳 𝘶𝘴𝘦𝘥 𝘧𝘪𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘶𝘴𝘭𝘺. 𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘳𝘺 𝘪𝘴 𝘥𝘦𝘥𝘪𝘤𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘮𝘦𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘺 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘪𝘷𝘪𝘭𝘪𝘢𝘯𝘴 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘶𝘳𝘦𝘥 𝘶𝘯𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘢𝘬𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘥𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘱 𝘥𝘶𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘖𝘤𝘤𝘶𝘱𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯.

About the Authors

Brandon David Servos is a Singaporean writer who studies Literature. He is the co-editor and contributor to two magazines, The Sengkang Sci-Fi Journal, and Margins, and is excerpted in OF ZOOS. In 2025, during his exchange semester at UMich, he won three Hopwood Awards, notably First Place in Undergraduate Nonfiction, and Fourth Place in The Novel. In 2026, he is a mentee under the Singapore Book Council Emerging Writers Mentorship. He likes watching horror movies, and makes and collects dolls. 

 

Cheri Hu is many things at once. As a performer who also writes, she is often energised and inspired by nature, its forces, simple everyday occurrences and, well, feminist and queer rage. Some days she scribbles lines of poetry in her notebook on a whim, other days she may be moving and dancing among trees. She enjoys existing in and exploring liminal spaces. Currently living in Tokyo, she mulls over ideas of belonging and home on long train rides. 

 

Danny Jalil is a current student of NTU’s Master of Arts in Creative Writing and Publishing Program. His first novel The Machine Boy was a winner of NAC’s Beyond Words: Young and Younger Award. His graphic novels have been published by Asiapac Books, Marshall Cavendish, and National Gallery Singapore. His novel Enrique The Black, published by Penguin Random House SEA, is now out. He has spoken at the Singapore Writers Festival and conducts writing workshops in conjunction with Sing Lit Station. 

 

Florence Loh adores Japanese authors and has a snaking queue of Japanese novels fighting to be read. She hopes to read these texts in the original Japanese someday. As a non-conformist, she is fascinated by experiences that are far from mainstream, as they are often a fertile source for stories. Her work draws inspiration from her daily encounters, and is published in SAMPAN 4: The LASALLE Anthology of Creative Writing (2025).  

 

Hu Tian Ao is an environmental management student who writes about the very environment he studies -- of lands, skies, and seas. He seeks to explore nature's rhyme and reason through rhyme and rhythm. In this current climate of changes, where plenty of them are not for the better, a sense of hope is what people need. He wishes to put that hope into words and to share these words with readers all around the world. 
 

J. L. is a tired human enslaved by capitalism by day, turned hobbyist writer/poet by night. Her writing explores identity, queerness, longing, loss and emotions too large to be kept inside ribs. Author of the poetry chapbook HOMECOMING, her poems have previously been published in the collection EXHALE: an Anthology of Queer Singapore Voices and the PLAYSET! Magazine. Find her poetry at icariansongs.wordpress.com

Jonathan Chan is a writer and editor of poems and essays. He is the author of the poetry collections going home (Landmark, 2022) and bright sorrow (Landmark, 2025). His forthcoming collection is azalea dialogues (2027), recipient of the Gasher Two Languages Prize 2025. He serves as Managing Editor of poetry.sg. Born in New York to a Malaysian father and South Korean mother, he was raised in Singapore, where he lives and works. More at jonbcy.wordpress.com

Karuna Kwok is a self-described "word taster" who transforms perceived reality into playful permutations that spark alternative worlds and ideas. She has an unintentional tendency to misread words, creating humorous, jigsaw-like narratives. Grounded in the view that language both builds experience and is ultimately empty, she navigates this tension to inhabit a richly imaginative realm of surreal, magical, dramatic, and at times farcical beauty. 

 

Kimberle Shen is a scientist by trade and conviction. She also loves writing poetry for everything that's true at n=1, because the things that move us rarely clear the threshold for statistical significance. 

 

Maxim Loy is a 26 year old Malaysian-born, Singaporean-bred writer and teacher. "Kites and Towers" is their second short story to be published in Voyage: A Literary Journal. Their work explores themes of mental illness and human relationships. Maxim's belief in the importance of storytelling is outweighed perhaps only by their love for cats (and food). 

Moira Hong-Chen is a lifelong lover of stories. She can be found reading, writing, or diving down a random rabbit hole on the internet. 

 

Natalie Foo Mei-Yi is a Singaporean writer-artmaker. Once a police crime analyst, a film and book reviewer, a bartender, a creative copywriter, an architecture magazine editor, and the writer-editor at Esplanade, she has since authored arts essays and publications such as National Gallery Singapore’s The Honest Guide to Seeing Art series. She loves SFFH fiction, The X-Files, old trees, hantu stories, breakbeat music, Swamp Thing comics, and her children. @nataliefoomy 

 

Purinita Kaur is a full-time undergraduate in Singapore. Her work is published in Brown is Redacted: Reflecting on Race in Singapore under the name "Danielle Kaur". Diversifying sentence structures is her arch nemesis and she loves her hamsters.

 

Rosie Shute is a trans-neurodivergent performer, gig organiser, writer of fluid forms, visual artist and graduated Melbourne Uni creative writing honours student whose thesis explored neuroqueer-DIY methods of reframing academia as the daily practice of thinking deeply about one’s life in symbiotic relationship with other people. They’ve been published in Australia, England and Singapore and have organised DIY exhibitions, multimodal gigs and a radio show interviewing people about their experience of being alive. Also, they like fingerless gloves. 

Tan Jing Min (she/her) is a poet and writer of other honest distractions. Her writing can be found at Quarterly Literary Review Singapore, the jfa human rights journal, and The Sengkang Sci-Fi Journal. 

 

Zhuang Xinyu is a dad and chief storyteller to two astounding kids. He spends most of his time daydreaming about other worlds, and sometimes writes about them. ​

About the Editors

ash chua is a creative non-fic and short story writer who finds joy in dissecting the human condition. They enjoy dabbling in the many subgenres of science fiction and have been published in The Sengkang Sci-Fi Journal. You can find their spill-all about intimacy and queer yearning on songsforafuturepoet.substack.com. They also edit and review books. 

Nicole Bruma is an aspiring wordsmith with a keen interest in poetry, art analysis and acting. Their desire for quality storytelling challenges her to take on numerous artistic pursuits, many of which are in tandem with her work as an art gallery assistant. You can find their work on Substack and Instagram under the moniker Storkwrangler. 

Stacy Ooi is a writer and literary facilitator. She founded the Rainbow Fictioneers in 2018, and Voyage: A Literary Journal in 2024. 

Victoria Chin has always loved the written word and has been collecting books since a young age. Growing up, she found it fascinating how language plays an integral role in human expression and understanding the human condition. She strives to help writers reach their work's fullest potential by working closely with them. During her free time, she enjoys watching romcoms and making music. 

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